curses and rants.

What does "love" mean to you?

2012-02-14T20:19:00.009+08:00

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;My&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

My heart will wait for you, always.

Love happens in the strangest ways, and sometimes we fall in love with the strangest person. And it all happened when we least expect it. Love has many definitions and it differs to each and every person. Love is like a book, you can't expect the contents and also, the outcomes to be the same in every book we read, on every page we turned, in every single line that occupies our minds. Love is the ability to discover the sheer beauty that is hidden in the midst of disfigurements and defects. Love is somehow so powerful that it leads passionate paramours to do something that's definitely out of their capabilities. Love can be destructive, and yet it is the sweetest poison anybody could ever take a sip of. Love is loving yourself in spite of your flaws and imperfections. Love is beyond definition. I could never write whatever love means to me, 'cause no word could ever describe love the way it affects me.

I don't talk about love much, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in it. I do believe in love and everything that is of the sort, but the only "love" I've ever encountered until this very moment is the two superhuman who raised me and brought me to life, and the ones who'd always been next to me through thick and thin.

Love is never easy, it's connected to a vast scale of sacrifices, a whole lot of pains and utter disappointments (when the person you love, doesn't feel the same way haha). But why bother? Life was never meant to be easy anyway. So take the dirty route, enjoy the mud and love with all your heart because you'll never know when it will be taken away from you. And loving someone after they're gone for good and appreciating a person after they ceased to exist is about as useless as feeding a dead fish in your aquarium. Absolutely mental.

p/s Guess what I didn't realise that today's Valentine and I didn't write this article today on purpose oh god this is amazing I just realised it a few minutes ago hahaha wicked.

Need to motivate my heart in a twisted way

2012-02-09T16:46:00.001+08:00

Stolen from 9gag.com.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Yes, indeed. If you feel like giving up on whatever you're doing, don't give up now. Don't ever. 'Cause eventually you'll never know when the sun will shine again on a rainy day. Don't give up just yet, even when the clouds relentlessly shower the earth and floods aren't showing any sign of retreating. Have faith in everything you do 'cause everything happens for a reason. God created everything for a reason. YOU existed for a reason that only God knows.

Everyday gets tougher with assignments and folios. I don't know why but my route to Harvard seems blurry and impossible. I don't wanna give up on my dreams just because God is testing me with one test after another. I want to make it through all the obstacles and I wanna show everyone that dreams really do come true. But the problem is, it took a lot of guts to hold your lifetime dream firmly in your hands. How can I possibly do it when I don't even believe in myself? Ugh.

I'm down with fever today, I can barely move or speak. Skipped school, ditched Physics tuition. Slept for 6 hours yesterday evening and another six at night. My whole body is aching terribly. I'm in need of a shitload of pizzas.

Monologue.
Please don't let your dreams go. Please don't give up just yet.
Please.

A new soul

2012-02-03T17:57:00.013+08:00

Hi. I couldn't think of anything else other than pizza.

I'm a new soul
I came to this strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take
But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

See I'm a young soul in this very strange world
Hoping I could learn a bit but what is true and fake
But why all this hate try to communicate
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

Things are going pretty well I guess. Everything seems to fall right in place and I am quite contented with this loneliness I feel inside. It's not a big deal though because I am undeniably good at handling my emotions (this is a complete lie) and I guess being alone isn't something I should be worried about. At all. Having no obligation towards anyone but myself is definitely something that makes my life more meaningful. I don't have to please anyone, I don't have to pretend like I care, I don't have to waste my time acting as if I'm listening to whatever people say. Life's great.

It's February and I've said this a gazillion of times already but time's moving way faster than Speedy Gonzales (Oh here comes the prattles). There's so many things that need to be settled real soon and thank God for giving me a few days off from school 'cause that's exactly what I need right now. A pile of homeworks that resembles a mountain, a stack of assignments and paperworks waiting for me to drown myself in 'em, tuition classes and sports practices. Other than that, and once again, life's great.

I get bored easily. Especially with people. Boring people to be precise.
Ciao.

p.s. My daily schedule is so fucked up I no longer believe in the power of planning.

I am shooting for the moon tonight

2012-01-21T00:03:00.003+08:00

Hi. I miss my 16-year-old self.

I don't have an ambition. Well at least not for now. When I was younger, I've always wanted to be a doctor only because I'd love to hang a stethoscope on my neck and wear that white jacket-uniform everyday. I was 7 when I thought I'd be cool to be a teacher and I think it's absolutely amazing how a person could teach 30/40 kids everyday. When I reached the age of 12, I fell in love with the CSI tv series and I started dreaming about being a crime-scene investigator so I hold on to that dream until I entered high school. I planted that seed of dreams at the bottom of my heart and perhaps one day I'll be a CSI. That dream crashed and burned when I reached 15 because I'm scared of blood and corpses so, yeah until now I'm dream-less or at least that's what I call it.

The only thing that I am completely sure of is that I am undeniably passionate for Literature and Poetry. Since those are the things that I'm interested in, so I thought I'd be cool to further my studies in that range of subjects. And Sociology seems quite interesting as well. And I know I'm not all that brilliant when it comes to getting an A for everything but I am currently eyeing on Harvard University and Princeton. Okay it has been my lifetime dream to further my studies somewhere in Europe or maybe US. But it takes both intelligence and lotsa money in order to get the chance to do that and I have neither. Sigh. But my English teacher told me that I should not give up especially before I try. Shoot for the moon, even if you fall, you'll be among the stars. Well I'm gonna aim for Harvard, even if I failed, maybe I'll be accepted to Princeton or any other universities.

Dear God, please don't let the world end in 2012. Please please pleaseeeeeeeeeeee wait at least until I made it to Harvard. Amin.

I AM GOING TO HARVARD AND NOTHING IS GOING TO STOP ME.

Huzzah.

She never ever saw it coming at all.

2012-01-16T16:01:00.003+08:00

Hi. I'm glad I missed yesterday's match.

It's 3.32pm right now, it's scorching hot outside and I'm sitting alone here in my room typing this bullshit who-knows-what-for. My dad told me that we're going on a short trip to the beach next week. I'm psyched 'cause I always have a thing for sandcastles, beaches, waves and sunset. It feels like there's something that has been buried inside of me for God-knows-how-long, and when it tries to unleash itself, I'll feel extraordinarily alive. I love waking up to the sound of waves crashing, and believe me, being close to nature is really good for your inner spirit.

Every single week is filled with endless assignments and I have to deal with deadlines and everything. Obviously my head is a total mess and believe it or not I am starting to miss 2011 pretty badly. I miss F1 In Schools, Medaniaga and every little insignificant thing that happened last year are dominating my brain and it touches my heart. I could use a time machine or maybe Princess Tamina's ancient dagger but that's not my point. What I'm trying to say is, I have this really really bad habit of reminiscing on the memories that aren't coming back to me no matter how hard I tried. Maybe I should learn how to let things go.

So the reason why I'm posting these paragraphs filled with nonsense is to let those who cared know that I'm still kicking, a little zombified but yet still alive. Au revoir.

When the roads were quiet and no one was around

2012-01-07T15:47:00.001+08:00

Hi. I like to eat banana & nutella at the same time.

This post is the proof that I am still alive on the 7th day of 2012 (yay?). I was looking forward to this weekend (which is right now) ever since school started about 3 days ago. There's lotsa things going on in my life right now and I. am. both. mentally. and physically. tired of every little minutiae that wanders around my head right this very moment.Wow it's only the 7th day of the new year and I'm wasting my time here, complaining about everything. Bad habit dies hard lol.

And I can't help but tell you that I'm one of the leaders (there's two of us) of my sports house's cheerleading/pom-pom squad. All i can say is that decision is fucking irrational. Me? You can't be serious. I don't even know why they picked me in the first place and how did my name pop up on the list of AJKs. I can't even. I just. Blergh.

Well, counting out the rants I just wrote right above this line, my life went pretty well this week.
I'm glad.

But I'm already on my way

2012-01-03T15:52:00.004+08:00

I opened my eyes,

Everything was dull, dim and dark,

Swallowing the darkness and breathing in the black air,

It's like a shadow trying to show itself in the dark,

Pointless and hopeless.

A poor soul trying to perceive the world

with closed eyes, still,

Pointless and ludicrously hopeless.
- Hazira

Hi. Addmaths is really really easy. Well if you believed me, then I must be really good at lying.

I went to school yesterday to settle my class registration and to collect my textbooks. It was an absolute torture since I have to carry all those textbooks up to my class which was on the 4th floor. Oh my seat is in the middle of two chinese girls, Joanne & Shih Sien. They're both geniuses so maybe by sitting in between them I'd be a little smarter? I wish.

School starts tomorrow and that means my life is officially over. Well since I'm sitting for SPM this year my dad is being rather strict about how I would spend my time everyday. I signed up for 4 tuition classes this year; Addmath, Physics, Chemistry and Literature. I'm still searching for a Biology class tho and I'm glad I managed to convince my dad that keeping my guitar away from me won't change anything so yeah, I get to keep Jeremy in my room (Jeremy is my guitar, in case you're wondering). Oh and I've successfully cleaned my study table so, yay me!

p.s. I'm getting a brand new electric guitar and I'm gonna name it Electra.
p.s.s The poem at the top of this post was written by me. It sucks tho.

Dear lord it's January all over again

2012-01-01T16:29:00.003+08:00

Hi. I spent the last 5 hours with Jeremy (my guitar).

As cliche as this might be, I'm gonna list down a few of my goals for this brand new year. Most of my resolutions are stupid and ludicrous, so pay no mind.
1. Sleep less.
2. Eat less.
3. Study/read more.
4. Upload a guitar video cover for Night Drive before February.
5. Do something cool on Teacher's day.
6.Straight As for SPM and at least 5As for every test.
7 Be happy.
8. Go to bed before 12 and wake up at 4.
9. Survive.

Every mile further theres a part of me that slips away

2011-12-31T00:56:00.001+08:00

Hi. I think George Harrison is the cutest Beatle.

Waking up to the melody of Silverstein's Forget Your Heart pretty much shaped my mood all day. I just realized how music plays a very vast role in every single day of my entire life. I woke up today realizing that 2011 is going to end pretty soon and I don't even think I'm ready for it. I'm not ready to be seventeen. I'm not ready to sit for SPM. I'm not ready to start a brand new chapter of my life. I'm not ready just yet. 17 is a very big number and it comes with a very big responsibility. I'm just a kid, all I ever wanted to do was dance and enjoy every single moment of my teenage life. Is that too much to ask?

Well, to be real honest I think 2011 wasn't that bad after all. It started out pretty tough but I managed to handle things quite smoothly and now it's going to end and I am going to miss being sixteen. But life goes on. It always will.

When I was a kid, I cried alot. In fact, I cried all the time. Back then when things went wrong, I'll just cry my heart out and everything will eventually turn out to be okay again. Life was easily balanced when I was 5, but right now, nothing is the same. Life gets harder, people change and school gets tougher every year. All those things I once thought I knew, they're all different now. It's like I've been alienated in my own little world and there's nothing I can do about it.

So anyway, as I was strumming my guitar late this evening, I scarcely realised that in life, almost everything is worth dying for. If it means so much to you, then it's definitely worth the sacrifice. And it turns out I remembered the fact that every new year opens a new door to excellence and absolute happiness. And then I'm not scared anymore. The thought of being someone better in 2012 made my fear fades, and now I am fully ready to brush off my bad 2011 attitudes and replace it with my brand new 2012 version of myself.

2012, bring it on.

Your ego is not your amigo

2011-12-28T01:21:00.005+08:00

Hi. I just found out that I'm allergic to annoying cunts.

Well like I said, I'm hungry 24/7. I can't help it, that book looks so yummeh.
And I am currently reading that book up there. Quite a page-turner.

I am not in the mood for school. I am not in the mood for school books. I am not in the mood for anything. I am one of those people who think that it's better if we don't plan. I suck at planning stuff and that's why I always end up failing and stumbling. The fact that I'm sitting for SPM next year scares the living shit out of me. I am far from ready for it. Well truth is, I am never ready for anything. Maybe I shouldn't ignore the fact that I'm growing up and planning & making huge decisions are a part of being a grown up. This little girl who's stuck inside of me is yearning to escape this devastating and menacing reality. I am stuck between these two blurry options: to be the person I wish I could be or the person I was meant to be.

Did I ever tell any of you that I have the biggest ego in the entire world? Maybe I did. And I am solidly sure that I inherited that egoistic attitude from my dad. It sucks knowing that this ego is controlling every single thought I own and every single step I'm about to take. I am too ego to admit that I am wrong, I'm too ignorant to give a fuck about people, I'm too obnoxious to treat annoying people nicely. I've said this before, I get annoyed pretty easily. If you don't know me very well, you might despise my existence. I'm just a spoilt masterpiece with shitload of flaws and negativity.

Oh, someone told me I should stop expressing my feelings on my blog in English 'cause my English sucks and I'm just trying to show off. Sometimes, I just don't understand how can some people be so shallow. Open your eyes, as wide as the sea. Open your mind, and reach the unreachables. See the world through the eyes of your heart, and you will perceive the most breathtaking beauty you'll ever lay your eyes on. Being shallow and cliche gets you fucking nowhere in life. It's not like I care or anything but, seriously I feel sorry for those people who cannot see the beauty of believing in yourself, despite of your insecurities and flaws.

Well oh well,

I love being alone. I love the feeling of not needing anyone to make me happy. I am far more capable of making myself happy and contented with every little element of life. I am the perfect partner for myself.

I am ignorant. Deal with it.

Lie here with me.

2011-12-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

Whats up suckers.

Wow that's definitely a rude way to say hello. Anyway I don't know where and how to start but yeah I can hardly believe that 2011 is going to end in 8 days time and God knows how not-ready I am to face 2012. Having the responsibility to study for SPM is one of the things I feared the most. I'm seventeen? Wow I didn't even notice that I'm turning seventeen soon, maybe because I was too busy embellishing my teenage life with endless stupidity and meticulous nonsense. Well I'm just a 5 y/o soul stuck in this 16 y/o body and I'm trying to let my immature soul seep through the little holes and stop growing. Wishful thinking indeed.

And Patrick says: "Welcome to my crib, peeps" LOL

So obviously my uncontrollable boredom leads me to having the urge to decorate my room or "tumblrize" it since I got the idea from Tumblr. The result turns out pretty well and I must say I can't wait to sleep tonight ho ho ho.

Happy Birthday to my baby Nur Ain Asyiqin. I love you forever Aen.

25 Things

2011-12-17T14:40:00.003+08:00

25 simple things that make me happy.
Well, finding happiness in small things has always been one of my speciality. I'm glad.

1. Eating and being surrounded by delicious food. Yep.
2. Good music and movies.
3. Reading and buying books.
4. Speaking/typing/tweeting/blogging in English.
5. Running into an old friend.
6. Beautiful beaches, sand castles, sunny days.
7. Sleeping and wrapping myself up in my comforter on a rainy day.
8. Watching football with my dad/cat/buddies.
9. Arsenal winning a match & Man Utd losing a match.
10. Learning new stuff.
11. Throwing myself into bed after a long, tiring day.
12. Winning an argument & proving myself right.

13. Buying new clothes and shoes.

14. Merthur's bromance scenes.

15. Jogging and running alone with my earphones shoved in.

16. Writing essays.

17. Watching violent scenes.

18. Laughing and having a good time with friends and family.

19. Ignoring people's stupidity and not giving a fuck.

20. Money.

21. Scrolling down Tumblr's dashboard and Twitter's timeline.

22. Sleeping and escaping reality for a while.

23. Torturing my friends with my evil schemes everyday.

24. Singing and dancing. (especially in the rain)

25. Listing down 25 things that make me happy.

My definition of happiness exists in every little thing I do everyday. I don't expect too much from life and I make the best out of the worst. Well maybe that's one of the things I'm quite good at. Some people think happiness only lives in huge stuff like getting married, having kids and winning lottery. But for me, even little insignificant stuff like unwrapping a chocolate bar, waking up early and smiling to a stranger deserve to be classified as happiness don't you think?

Anyway I'm glad to inform you guys that I'm officially taking up Literature in English for my SPM next year. Thanks to Munyra for dragging me into it haha. And I managed to convince Anis to take up that subject with me too. I've been missing my friends too much and I miss calling Anis with vulgar names. Well this uncontrollable longing for my bitches will be cured soon as we are going to celebrate Aen's birthday next Tuesday.

I decorated my wall and now my room looks like one of those rooms I've seen on Tumblr. Gonna upload some pics later.

Mission accomplished.

Solemnly tucking myself to bed

2011-12-07T01:16:00.010+08:00

I captured this yesterday. I was taken aback by the cat's different eye colour. Life is full of surprises, isn't it?

I'm glad that I actually filled my day today with reading. Apart from that, I also bought three more novels and as I walked happily out of the bookstore, something (possibly my own consciousness) made me realise that I actually have like, 6 more books waiting for me to read. I don't know why, but I've always been so frantic when I'm surrounded by books and that makes me lose my focus (and sometimes sanity) so I end up being a slave of my own passion for books (if that's a way to explain my odd behaviour around books). Nerd alert. Anyway, I'm going to finish Sister probably by tomorrow and I can't wait to start reading my newly bought Pride & Prejudice & Zombies which I have been hunting for ever since I caught a glimpse of it on the internet. I love zombies. Well, who doesn't?

You know I have been staying with my sister since last week and I'm glad I made the decision to spend a few days with her (and it turns out to be longer than I expected). You know, 9 out of 10 people I met everyday told me that I am undeniably the opposite of my sister. I've never agreed with that. But now that I'm sixteen and I know exactly how to judge one's behaviour, I can definitely tell you that me and my sister are like Yin and Yang. My sister has always been considerate, sensible, decent, a person you could turn to when you're facing any sort of trouble - a person you could count on. I've always been so reluctant to accept the fact that I inherited the negative values of my parents. Stubborn, hot-tempered (I don't show it all the time but believe me, my temper is hotter than your microwave), inconsiderate, oblivious, ignorant and everything in between those words that existed in my own version of Thesaurus. My sister has always been the best example to reflect the brighter side of both of my parents. And there's me, who had always been trying so hard to be a better person and end up being a pain in the ass.

And I think it's time to err on the side of equality and I should be thankful that I'm actually more fun-to-be-with and out-going than my sister. Haha, I think some people who'd known both of us well will definitely second that thought. She'd always been so serious about everything and I, on the other hand, had never taken her seriousness seriously which infuriates her all the time haha. But there's something about her that completes my existence, as if without her, I am nothing.

Aen texted me yesterday, saying that she'd dreamed of me and subsequently telling me that she misses me. Yan texted me today, also telling me that she misses me and she'd gained weight haha. Ah, you guys have no idea how terribly I miss every each of you and how much I've been longing to meet my friends. I can't wait to go back home this Friday. I've been spending too much time away from home and I, somehow, acknowledged the fact that my dad is missing me pretty badly 'cause he'd ring me every single day and ask me to go home haha.

I bet this post must have something to do with the book I'm currently reading. Sigh, I'm so vulnerable nowadays. Wish to blog soon. Au revoir. (I can't remember the last time I had a decent closure in my blog posts).

Lets rewind

2011-11-27T22:32:00.003+08:00

I AM SO HAPPY I COULD DIE.

YEP, DEFINITELY.

I am not really in the mood to explain why I am happy in the first place but yep. I am happy hehe. Anyway I kinda dug into my "Blog Archive" just now and I read every single thing I've ever posted in my blog starting from August 2008. I swear I was laughing so hard my mom told me that I pretty much scares the hell out of her. I was so naive and stupid and spontaneous and weird. Towards the end of 2008 I was so in love with Jonas Brothers and I can't believe I actually wrote "I really love Jonas Brothers. My feelings will never fade away! Be still my heart" What the fucking fuck was that hahahaha. But yeah, I was once an annoying fan girl. And I won't deny that fact. Sigh. And don't even get me started with Justin Bieber. What was I thinking oh my god hahahaha. Good times, I wish I could go back in time and enjoy every single moment. I miss my younger self. Someone should really invent a time machine or anything of the sort.

It's amazing how life changes us. It's amazing how I've changed from a naive, weird, crappy fangirl into whoever I am today. This is why I never wanted to shut this blog down or delete everything. Because I believe one day (like today) I'd love to take a few steps back and reminisce on the memories I once enjoyed. Anyway I managed to study a little bit of Biology today and made a few flashcards. I'll upload the pictures later. Ah life's good.

Pizza is the greatest human invention ever.

Hands down.

They warned me about life, but just I couldn't care less.

2011-11-25T16:12:00.010+08:00

Photo by me.

Now here's my new blogging pattern. I'll post something in here only when I'm emo or something like that. If it isn't obvious yet, I am, in fact, going through my emo phase right now. To be real honest here I don't have a solid reason why I'm feeling all emo but as far as I'm concerned I have lotsa things going around my life to be emo about. There are days when I don't know what to do, where to go, what to believe in and who I really am. When I look around, everybody's so contented with whatever they're doing. But me? I'm just, lost. Sometimes I prefer to sit in a dark room all alone and think. I don't know, there are so many things that linger in my head sometimes I just wish I could turn them off for a little while. I over-think, that's what I always do. People tell me that I shouldn't think too much but I just can't help it. The best way to shove all those thoughts away is to sleep them off, and that is why I enjoy sleeping the most. I find peace and serenity in my sleep. But too bad that I have to face the exact same bullshits every time I wake up.

I went jogging with my dad today. I let my dad outran me, so that I could have some time alone. I ran a few miles and I found a comfortable spot on the pavement. So I sat down and watched every single thing that caught my attention. Everything was so vivid, so real yet so fragile. Everything was so beautiful in their own little ways. I saw an old man, running (hardly) and sweating and gasping. I wonder why he didn't stop? I wonder why he didn't take the shortcut? I wonder why did he keep on running? I don't even know what I'm trying to say here but, I think we all need to spare some time and enjoy whatever life offers you. Maybe you'll die tomorrow, or maybe next week or next month who the hell knows? Create happiness in spite of the shits that happen. Well, shit happens all the time and there's nothing you can do about it other than moving forward. There's no point of looking back. That is why I hate it, I repeat, I hate it when people try to connect me with what ever happened in my past. Past is fucking past and there's nothing I could do about it. There are some people in my past who are still haunting me in every single second of my life. Why? Because everybody keeps on asking me about their absence in my present life. It sucks. It's my life and I choose whoever deserves to stay and who doesn't. Yes, I push people away. One second you might be in my life, and you're gone in the next. I have my own way of living and even if it hurts, even if I end up alone, I don't mind. Maybe, just maybe, I was destined to be alone. I don't fucking mind about anything.

Well. I should stop being emo 'cause I think it's pretty annoying haha. Anyway it's Thanksgiving, even though I'm not celebrating but I think there are solid reasons why I should be thankful with everything I have. I'm thankful for:

1. A great mother who wakes me up every single morning and reminds me how grateful she is to have a daughter like me even though everybody knows I suck. She cooks delicious food for me all the time, even in the middle of the night 'cause you know I'm always hungry no matter what time it is. 2. An awesome father who watches football with me all the time. He cheers me up when my team loses. He buys me food, clothes, books, did I mention food? Yeah. Everything. He makes me laugh with his lame jokes (seriously I wasn't laughing because it's funny). He's the one I reach out to whenever I feel lost and empty. 3. My fat sister who hugs me all the time even though I think she's really annoying 'cause she's fucking girlish and she loves to irritate me. She cooks for me, buys me stuffs and she's always there whenever I'm in need. One time it was 4 in the morning and I was suffering from a terrible toothache so I texted her (she's in UPM fyi) I didn't expect her to reply to my text because it was 4 for God's sake but, she did. She replied and asked me if I'm okay and she listed down the things that I should do. I swear I cried that time (but don't tell her that). She's the sweetest thing a person can ever have in their lives. 4. My friends. They're all pretty annoying (well excuse me for being easily annoyed by people) but I love them anyways. I spent most of my teenage life with them and there's no way I could ever forget everything we've been through together. I'd love to list every single one of them but hell I'm too lazy for that so yeah. Haha. 5. Delicious food. I eat when I'm upset, happy, annoyed, high, sleepy, mad. Well bottom line I eat all the time. And I love food more than I love people so there you go. 6. And lastly, I am thankful for having such a wonderful life with such awesome people in it even though my life isn't always that sweet but yeah, I made the best out of the little things I have. I can't imagine my life if I wasn't me. What if I was born somewhere in England? I'd probably date a really cute English guy who speaks that sexy accent. That sounds really cool but that's not my life. This is my life and I will never trade it with anything.

Anyway.

A few friends of mine created a Facebook page for their F1 team and they're qualified for F1 In Schools National level (which is so cool) and I would really really appreciate it if you'd do me a favor and like their page to show your support. So, please click here and there you go! Thank you so much. It means a lot to me & my friends :D

You know what makes me happy?

~~You~~ PIZZA.

Hold on to your dreams

2011-11-03T23:49:00.014+08:00

Photo by me.

Life is pretty much easy, it's the process that takes place in it that complicates everything. For example, growing up. Well I gotta say that growing up is my least favourite thing in life. Growing up = Changes. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I tried to stay the same, nothing seems to be working out for me. It sucks knowing that sometimes I lost control of my own little life. I am only sixteen but God knows how hard it is for me to keep up with every single thing that happens right before my eyes. Remember I once said that I am a boring person with a boring life? Well I lied. My life's actually the opposite of boring, but deep down, I want it to be boring; and filled with nothing. Because boring life leads me to believe in something new. Something meaningful, something that's totally out of the norms. I don't want to hang around those cliche kind of people who follow the trends and be the person they're not just because it's cool to do that. I am me. I want to be boring. I want to see the world with a whole new perspective. I bet nobody would ever understand me better than myself.

Life is easy. I said that earlier. Well lemme get this straight. I took Tasawwur as an additional subject even when it's not necessary to do so because I was dumb and stupid when I made that decision (hahaha lol). And I studied Tasawwur only at 11pm the night before exam. So I was so sleepy and I decided to close my book, so I laid on my bed, stared at my ceiling and the last thought that lingered in my head before I dozed off was "I am so going to drop Tasawwur". And I did, I dropped Tasawwur just like that. Easy. Just too easy. I'm not really a fan of "being serious" and "complications". I really don't. I don't take life seriously, I laugh at my mistakes, I don't think twice, I take chances and live life my way. I don't think following the trend is considered as cool. Just take a look at my blog. It's dark, dull and yet mysterious. Why? Because those three words describe me best. And you know I don't really talk to people about how I feel, but when I did, I'm going to make sure that I spill everything out. Just like what I am doing right now. But I bet nobody's gonna read this anyway hahaha.

Honestly, I don't expect much from life. Because everybody keeps telling me that expectations lead to disappointments. And people too, should stop expecting too much from me, 'cause I'm just me. I can't please everyone, and I don't even want to. Don't you think pleasing everyone but not yourself considered as hypocrisy? So I'd rather have a bunch of people hating on me because I failed to please them instead of having lotsa people loving me for someone I'm not. You get what I mean right? Satisfaction is what I seek in life, not popularity and fame. Not at all. I don't hang around popular people, because they're all pretty much bland and boring. I am lame, trust me. And being lame is awesome.

It's been a while since I talked about my love life, or maybe I shouldn't because ever since my last relationship ended; which was about 3 months ago, my love life had been fucked up pretty bad hahaha. But I'm not planning on getting myself into anything serious for the time being because eventually I'm enjoying my me-time all alone. Some people consider it as "forever alone" well not for me. I think it's more of a self-loving kind of process which only me, myself could ever understand. Did I mention that I love talking to myself? I really do. I constantly find myself mumbling out random words without me realizing it and at first it kinda scares me, but now I'm used to it. Well someone told me that it's good to have some real inner-conversation with yourself. That way you can understand yourself better, because if you don't understand yourself, then who will? So, I'm still alone. Well not exactly alone. I have my family and friends, and they're all I need.

I've tried to ask you this in some daydreams that i've had,
but you're always busy being make-believe.

Faith and chances.

2011-10-30T13:08:00.001+08:00

Chelsea 3 - 5 Arsenal

Even when everybody's telling me that Arsenal won't stand a chance, I will always have faith in my boys.
Always.

So the lion fell in love with the lamb

2011-10-29T16:35:00.002+08:00

I've been away for a few days but now I am back. I have another 3 papers to sit for next week and too bad I'm not in the mood for studying. At all. I wish I could continue my holiday for another week 'cause I swear I don't feel like going to school anytime soon. I don't know what's happening to me but I don't feel "me", I feel like I'm changing into someone I barely know. I need myself back, pronto.

I was planning on going to Saranya's (my Indian friend) Deepavali dinner last night but her house is waaaaay too far from mine and my parents are both too busy to drive me there. This is the part where I should complain about not being able to get my driving license at the age of sixteen. I mean, I think I'm old enough to drive a car on my own. Don't you think so? Why do we have to wait until we actually reach 18 when we can possible drive at 16? Dear government, please think about this. I need my driving license, we all do. Anyway, I miss my friends. I don't miss my school, ever. And the only thing that's 'fun' in school are my friends. I miss my Chemistry teacher (hahahahahaha NO I'm just being sarcastic here). Haish but whenever I'm in school, I'm gonna miss my bed even more. So this is a little bit of my love-hate relationship with my school life.

Anyway I'm definitely too lazy to upload my F1 pictures. Ugh bad habit dies hard. Maybe I'll upload it later or maybe never. Idk, maybe I was born lazy. My mom keeps on babbling at me for not studying, which makes sense because I don't study much lately 'cause I'm too busy sleeping. Sigh I can't believe I'm gonna sit for SPM next year. I need someone to slap me out of this hiatus mode of mine. I need help.

I'm a boring person. With a boring life. And a boring everything.

Finally losing my sense of normality

2011-10-22T05:37:00.005+08:00

Me & Wani.

Hi. It's 5am in the morning and I haven't slept yet. Ugh it's not like I choose not to sleep, but I can't. I'm struggling right now to finish all my work and email everything to Encik Hashim as soon as I can. Ugh my life is a wreck. But well this is a part of my job so I think I should do it with a bit of sincerity and all that soul-connected stuff. Seriously my head is spinning right now and I don't know what to do other than writing (as in typing, of course).

Y'know what keeps me up all night? These shits.
These videos were uploaded on fosterthepeopleVEVO last night. And I'm the 298th viewer.
Foster The People is LOVE.

Anyway in my last post I mentioned something about going to Sarawak right? Okay, I thought I'll be in Sarawak for 4 days only but my dad said we're gonna be in Sarawak for one week. Like one week, seven days and I'm too lazy to count how many hours so, do the math on your own. So right now I'm googling about the places of interest in Sarawak and everything. But before that there's something HUGE I need to focus on which is the F1 In Schools Competition. It's this Sunday weh, THIS FREAKING SUNDAY. Ajhsuytdjhgsd dead.

Your friends said I was cruel to you. Your friends said I don't deserve you 'cause I'm such a bitch. Your friends said I don't appreciate you. Your friends said I'm not thankful enough. Your friends said I'm not good enough. Your friends said I was just a waste of your time. But then again, what do they know?

Nothing.

I'm still in love but all I heard was nothing

2011-10-21T00:13:00.003+08:00

Exam's over.

Well it's not officially over because I still have to sit for Tasawwur and Sivik BUT WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT THOSE stupid papers anyway? Physics (especially paper 3) was hard as hell man and I was like "The heck is this triple beam balance scale shit doing here?" Ugh. Well too bad I didn't get any soalan bocor or spot questions but even if I failed, I'm going to fail with dignity. That's how a Jedi roll. Okay now I'm taking this "Jedi" thing a wee bit to far haha.

Oh and I'll be going to Melaka with a bunch of my F1 buddies (Those girls up there in the last picture) on the 22th to 25th October for the F1 In Schools Competition. I am psyched man PSYCHED and nervous at the same time. How am I supposed to present my car and talk about Physics principles and all that stuff? Dead man, dead. But at least I think I can make some stuff up so that I won't be looking like a total idiot in front of the judges haha. For some reasons I can't upload my team's car right now so I'm going to upload my babies' pictures after the race ok?

Anyway twerps I'll be flying to Sarawak on the 8th until the 11th of November. I am so looking forward to this vacation because I haven't been on a vacation for quite some time now and I just can't help but to think of the awesome stuff I might encounter in Sarawak. AH WHY AM I SO EXCITED. I've never been to Sarawak before and this is going to be my first trip there. Finally, some of my greatest wonders will soon be answered "How many cats are there in Kuching?" "Were there any cat-people in Kucing? Like half cat-half man kind of people?" My imagination is wilder than a spoiled brat, that's for sure.

Stop existing, start living.

I tore the pages and I can finally breathe

2011-10-14T22:24:00.007+08:00

5 subjects down, 5 more to go.

I didn't sleep at all for the past 21hrs. This is quite an achievement for someone who loves to sleep like me. I stayed up last night, somehow convinced myself that I am a nocturnal so that I can revise everything on Sejarah. I used to love that subject back when I was in Form 3. But now? Ugh one of my least favourite subjects (right after Chemistry. MEH) and I swear I was sleepy as fuck during my Sejarah papers but I couldn't sleep at all 'cause I was running outta time to write down my answers. Anyway I'm glad the first week of my finals is over. Just one more week to go and I am free bitches. I mean, free for now. Sigh. Just the thought of SPM gives me chills. SPM, Y U NO DIE? My life would be 100x easier without the existence of SPM but who am I kidding right? :/ Meh.

Honestly I can't do one thing at a time, I was born to multitask. So every time I'm studying, my camera will always be by my side. Anyway I was planning on getting myself a battery grip for my camera since mine looks pretty much amateur without it LOL. Ugh there's so much to do yet so little time! I miss how everything used to be so easy and simple. I can't wait for my finals to end, I miss having fun. I miss my 8-hours-long sleep and everything. Ugh I miss Merlin. I miss Arthur. I miss my flickr. I miss Supernatural. I miss Spongebob. I miss Arsenal. Okay now I'm being an annoying retard. Pft.

Have you ever think about what does it feels like to be someone else, someone who's not you? Maybe someone who's less fortunate or maybe, someone's richer. If you're a girl, have you ever thought about being a boy? And have you ever feel like you're not good enough for everyone, not even your closest friends? Have you ever feel like disappearing for a little while, push everything away and have your me-time alone, somewhere nobody knows? Like I said, exams weeks are chaotic and messy, it makes me think about everything which is not necessary at all but my brain controls me and every single action I made (and that is why I'm typing this, right now. 'Cause my brain asks me to). Have you ever thought that maybe just, maybe, those things you've done weren't the things you really wanted to do? Maybe there's something inside you that pushed you to do it without you noticing? I'm twisting your little mind right now, just like the way the world twists mine.

TAKE A LOOK AT THESE SHITS!
I'm going to start reading them right after my final exam ends. I iz happy.

I love books I don't care how nerd that might sound but I swear I love books! I mean, fictional-story-books not school-books. You know what I mean right? I bought those books up there a few weeks ago and now I have seven books to be read during my school holiday which is insanely cool. Ah LIFE'S GOOD. The bottom four were bought at The Big Bad Wolf books sale whatevershit. AH WHY AM I SO EXCITED. I CAN'T CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IT COMES TO BOOKS HAHA. Nerd alert. Meh.

I know I won't stand a chance. I tried to let it go, but something keeps pulling me back.

Sigh.

Mixed up pretty bad over here

2011-10-08T14:26:00.002+08:00

p/s I'm too busy to take some pictures myself, so I borrowed this from Tumblr.

I will upload my pictures as soon as exam ends.

My head is a mess. My room is a mess. Everything is a mess. Ugh, exam weeks are always chaotic and messy. And fuck it people I haven't revise that much for finals and I can almost see the Ds and Cs on my report book. I am dead meat. Funny isn't it? I'm complaining about not having enough time to study and revise everything yet I'm still here, blogging about it. I need help.

Ugh, I wish I had a time machine, time stopper or anything of the sort to at least give me some more time to study. Fyi I'm taking a short break right now and I'm not sure what brings me here in the first place. But I'm glad that it did because otherwise this blog will be a ghost town fo sho. I'm not having a very good weekend to be honest here. I wish I wasn't here, right now. I'd kill to go to Rockaway Fest cause fuck they got ATL and The Used. This is why I hate exams. Plans = fucked up. I was planning on going to Rockaway with my sister and then I realised that "Hey, I'm supposed to study on that weekend cause BM papers in on Monday" fml fml fml fml fml. (Sorry kids for my bizarre language. My bad)

Time flies. Everything passes by without me knowing. I feel so left out in this place we call life. I hate how everything doesn't stay the way it used to be. I hate the fact that everything has to change, no matter how hard I tried to make it stay, it won't. I wish I could somehow, escape. Run from everything. Tinkerbell, please sprinkle some pixie dusts on me now, cause heck I want to fly, fly out of this terrible, miserable place I call 'my life'. Exam's not helping at all. I need a break. Yes.

How I wish I was born a genius. Well, don't we all?

What I am wearing affects my brain

2011-09-20T00:00:00.015+08:00

If somehow I wasn't a lazy ass, I would've upload a picture of me wearing this Arsenal jersey right now. But I am definitely a lazy ass and I guess you know what that means. This jersey is so cool, it makes me feel awesome just by wearing it. Get what I mean? No? Ok.

I can still remember the moment when I started to love Arsenal. I was 10 and young. Honestly, I fell in love with Fabregas and then this whole Arsenal thing starts hahaha what can I do, I was 10 for god's sake! One significant thing that made me love Arsenal was the amazing game setup. The team was beautifully managed and arranged, they played amusingly well and that moment I knew I was born to be a Gooner. (Sorry I was exaggerating a bit haha)

For the past few seasons, Arsenal played well but not enough. We played to place in 4, not for title. Honestly, I was a bit disappointed with the team and everything but hell I can't just ditched Arsenal just because they didn't win, my faith in Arsenal is so much more than that. But this season has got to be the darkest yet the most embarrassing season of all. Can you believe we lost to Bolton and got beaten up by Man Utd a few weeks ago? I can't even think about how am I going to deal with this kind of humiliation in every upcoming seasons. I really really hope this shitty season ends soon. Mad? Yes. Disappointed? Very. Switching to other club? Never.

When Fabregas decided to leave Arsenal, a part of me died. I swear. I was extremely disappointed because he is the real reason why I am a Gooner today. I refuse to believe that he's finally leaving us. He's the captain, and he's bailing on his sinking ship. But I tried to look on the brighter side of everything. He left Arsenal for Barca, and that's a huge thing for his career development so I don't mind. If I were him, I would've done the exact same thing. But who cares, we have Arteta and Van Persie now. I'm not asking for more.

I still remember when Liverpool fans used to face this kind of things for the last few seasons. Arsenal is going through the same phase Liverpool used to go through. Losing games, weak players, losing supporters and all that. But I can assure you that Gooners stick together no matter what. I made a vow with my buddy to stay as Gooners forever no matter what happen, because we are who we are. We are bonded and we bleed red for Arsenal. I am proud.

Most of my friends are Manchester's fans. I don't hate them, they're just annoying so yeah. I'm sharing my Arsenal experience with a silly guy, Alep. He loves Arsenal almost as much as I do. We back each other up, we're cool like that. Gooners ARE cool. Nuff said.

You guys must be wondering what the heck was I thinking? Why am I posting such stupid thing about football and Arsenal haha like I said earlier, I was wearing my brand new Arsenal jersey and I feel like typing everything down, about Arsenal since I've been supporting them for 6 years now and I'm still holding on strong.

Whatever it is, I am a Gooner, and always will be.

Victoria Concordia Crescit

I broke up with my ego

2011-09-14T20:30:00.006+08:00

GAAAAAAH I MISS MY BLOG!

Hi muggles, well, I should blame everything on Twitter. Twitter kills my mood for everything; blogging, texting, sleeping, reading, name it. It's like I'm living for the sake of Twitter now (not exactly). Anyway, last Saturday (approximately 4 days ago) was my 16th birthday. Haha funny thing that I didn't even make a stupid blog post wishing myself a happy birthday. No, I'm too cool for that *cool.jpg*

I had a huge fight the other day; a fight with my stupid ego. We have that love/hate relationship going on for a while now and I hate the fact that my ego is growing bigger and bolder each day. But I'm glad I won the battle, and you're currently looking at the proof of my victory; this post. If I let my ego won the stupid battle we had, I wouldn't be posting this. So, yay me?

Anyway many many thanks to my best buddy (I prefer not to mention his name here) for the perfect birthday gift; Arsenal Away Kit 2012! I was about to buy it for myself but he insisted on paying it for me so, thanks Alep. Eh wait, did I just typed his name? You bet I did. | Alep - Aku tau kau baca ni, tak payah bangga sangat. Boo. Anyway I wanna tell you dummies that Arteta is now a proud Gooner! Ah it's good seeing him wearing that red jersey. Welcome to the family Arteta!

Oh and other than Twitter, there's this super-addictive website Pottermore. Bad news for you muggles, this website's opened only for the chosen ones (like myself). I'm a Slytherin, and a Gryffindor and also, a Ravenclaw (apparently cause I have three accounts for myself). That website is the fucking shiznit. You muggles can drool as I share something you wouldn't wanna miss.

I present to you; the Diagon fucking Alley!

Y'know, I'm never a potterhead, I'm more of a Jedi, but yeah that website's something I don't wanna miss. Good thing that there's tons of things that involve Merlin (the only thing 'magical' that I love). Merlin sure is the greatest sorcerer of all time. All hail Merlin, who cares if he's just a myth? I don't so yeah.

I'm going back to Singapore this weekend. Oh yes finally! I've been missing everything back in Singapore (especially my grandma) and I can't wait to visit my late grandpa at the cemetery. I miss everything!

And, last but never the least, Adam Levine is my new boyfriend. Bye.

MIA

2011-08-29T20:03:00.000+08:00

Hello there. I've been missing in action for a few weeks now. But people I'm fucking active on Twitter, tweeting 24/7. Haha follow me! Okay I should stop promoting my stupid Twitter. Ignore this.

Anyway, time flies so fast right? I can't believe today's the last day of Ramadhan and we're gonna celebrate Aidilfitri tomorrow. It scares me that I can't catch up with everything when the time is running too fast beyond my fucking reach. But hey, so far everything's good!

Lemme get this thing straight, I'd like to wish Selamat Hari Raya to every single one of you. I've been annoying, I've been ignorant, I've been a horrible friend, I pissed you off, I laugh at you and everything, I am truly sorry. I'm nothing but a human and human makes mistakes. So, we're all good? :)

Take care loves and enjoy your Syawal. xx.

I'm spilling everything out

2011-08-16T02:04:00.002+08:00

Hi. Sorry for not updating for a while, I just need some time for myself. You know I've been through alot of shits these few weeks so I kinda enjoy my time alone. It's just what I needed at the moment. So yes here I am again. Right now I just want to spill everything in here just so I can feel better, I hope.

Everybody's keep on asking me the same questions; how, why, and all that. Well honestly I don't know. It's not him, it's me. I ruined everything. I mean, I ended the relationship myself. And I didn't regret making that decision because at the moment, that's exactly what I needed the most. What I'm saying is, I believe in what I want and my heart speaks to me like it has never spoken before. I feel like I am finally waking up from a deep, deep sleep and I'm too carried away with those dreams that will never came true. You know what I mean? You probably don't.

Have you ever find yourself stuck in between wanting and needing? I have. I want something that I don't need, and I need something that I don't want. They sound almost the same, but they're totally different things. I thought being in a serious relationship is what I've always wanted but I guess I was wrong. I'm better off as a loner. I may seem happy with everything I have around me but if you look closely into my eyes, you'll realize that I am not. I have no idea what have been bothering me all this while because I used to be happy with everyone and every single thing in my life but since a few months back, I seemed to have lost myself in the sea of lies. I lied to my self alot. I lied about loving something I hate, I lied about being happy when I'm feeling like a total bullshit, I lied about everything. I owe myself lotsa apologies. I know. I don't know if I can forgive myself. Everything is just so mixed up.

So, I made up my mind. I think this whole relationship thing is weighing me down, in a bad way. I thought about giving second chance a try but, they don't ever matter cause people never change. So I stepped out of it, wishing that what I did won't cause any harm to any of us. I believe it's for the greater good. To be honest here, I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I will be immersed uncontrollably into something I'm not sure of. Love. We will never know what will happen tomorrow or the day after that. So let it be. I want everything to be left unsaid and unknown. I love it that way, because I believe that some things aren't meant to be known nor understood.

I'm not going to say anything about that video he posted on Facebook because I didn't watch it. Yes, up until this very moment, I haven't watched that video everyone's currently talking about. Why? Because I'm afraid that my sympathy towards him will rise above beyond that sympathy I felt for myself in the first place. Everything happens for reasons. I know most of you are blaming everything on me. It's okay. I can't change what people thought of me, and I won't do it if I can anyway.

But great news everyone, I am currently happy with my life. This contentment I feel inside of me is priceless. I'm thankful that I made this decision. You might think that I'm a selfish brat or whatever but, all I ever wanted was to be happy.

To you: I'm sorry. I ruined everything. I hope you're happy as well as I am. I know you'll be better off without me. How I wish you don't have to be alone. And lastly, I wish you'll find someone to fill that empty space I left in your heart, I know you can't stand being alone right? You're too fragile for me. I'm a beast. I can't hold you gently in my arms as you wish I could. I'm sorry.

ANYWAY. Fabregas has officially moved to Barca. I'm going to miss him, terribly. I've been a Gunner for 6 years now and Arsenal won't be the same without Fabregas :( Geez, do you really have to go?

Bye loves, xx.

When the sun goes down, I shall rise

2011-08-06T01:18:00.003+08:00

I skipped school today, mainly because I have to go to Klang earlier this morning, family matter. Semoga roh Tok Cu dirahmati Allah s.w.t dan semoga rohnya ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman. We're gonna miss you so much.

Honestly I'm pretty much proud with myself hehe because ever since the first day of Ramadhan, I manage to keep myself awake after sahur. I used to go back to sleep right after sahur which is not good at all, and that is why I want to transform myself into a morning person! You know how I used to be a nocturnal and all that, but, hey being a morning person is not bad at all right? And guess what, the best time to study is right after sahur. I'm trying my best to fill my free time with books, instead of Twitter. I swear to God twitter is freaking addictive. Only God knows how hard it is to stay away from that tweet machine.

Oh and a few hours ago I was wondering what does Friskies taste like? Because apparently my cats loved it so much that it makes me wonder what's so special about those little pieces of horrible-smelled cat food. Actually, I've been trying to convince myself to eat it and that it doesn't taste so bad ever since it became my cats' favourite meal of the day. But every single time I tried to shove that thing into my mouth, I just can't. I don't have the guts to do so. But tonight, I did it. I finally have all the guts I need. IT WAS HORRIBLE. IT TASTED LIKE SHIT. Omg I was choking to death and I can't even. My friends on Twitter told me 'Don't do it' but, obviously I ignored them, which was a stupid stupid decision. It tastes awful. My taste buds are dead. I gargled the whole bottle of Listerine and my dad just can't stop rubbing it on my face -.-

And hey I changed my blog title. Again. The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala. Please don't laugh, I know it's weird. It's the title of Arctic Monkeys' song. Which reminds me, Metallica is going to rock Stadium Putra Bukit Jalil soon. Since I know that there's no way my dad's letting me go there all by myself, I can kiss my rugged jeans and Metallica goodbye.

On top of all those bullshit I just I just typed up there, I just missed the final episode of Grey's Anatomy. Argh Stupid me. Sigh. I've been ignoring my TV for a while and I miss Merlin, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds, Law & Order: SVU, Bones, Chuck, Spongebob, CSI and all those kickass series I used to sink my teeth into :( My life ain't got no meaning anymore.

Wake me up, when September finally decides to show the fuck up.

There's a world out there to see

2011-08-01T13:01:00.002+08:00

Photo courtesy of Hazira Jamal

I was so bored just now so I dug into my camera and found these pictures. And apparently I am both mentally and physically lazy to edit those pictures so I just resized them.

So how's everybody's first day of fasting? So far, I'm enjoying every bits of Ramadhan. But I gotta admit, for a food lover like me, I can't stop thinking about food. Haha loljk. And there's no school today which is freaking awesome (see what I did there? I changed fucking to freaking haha) because there's no assembly. Just for the record, I hate Monday assembly. It's pointless.

Anyway I was wasting my time on Tumblr earlier, only God knows how every single scroll leads me to a picture of a tempting food. I can't even. But yeah I can handle it. No big deal *gulp* OH AND BEFORE I FORGET, did you realize that I've changed the title of this blog? Journey To The Horizon. Don't ask why. It was so out of nowhere, I have no idea where did that come from.

Enjoy loves xx.

MWBC Street Parade 2011

2011-07-31T22:31:00.007+08:00

Photo courtesy of Hazira Jamal.

Pay no mind to my obsession with music and bands. I guess they're just in my blood. Sorry if the pictures are a little shaky, my sister has a serious case of Parkinson hahaha loljk.

Anyway, I'm planning on buying a new lens for my camera. Any suggestions? Because I'm sick of this lens I'm currently using. It annoys the hell outta me.

A little bit of everything

2011-07-31T00:35:00.003+08:00

You can't stop me this time.

Muka itik omg kill me pls hahaha

Hi I'm back! And my camera's back too. I've been itching to take pictures and today I took tons of 'em. Frankly, I was being a retarded emo girl last week and everything seems to be fallen apart but, I managed to settle those things down which is a good thing. And now, I am so blissful. I'm at the highest state of happiness. Alhamdulillah.

So Ramadhan's getting pretty near now and seriously I am so excited! Last year, the day before Ramadhan, me and my cousins went out together and we ate like little pigs I tell you. I think same thing is going to happen tomorrow. Fuck it I'm getting real chubby now and I'm blaming all those delicious food I have in my kitchen.

Happy Ramadhan, beautiful people!

May every each of you have a wonderful yet blessful Ramadhan.

InsyaAllah.

Everything has been said

2011-07-28T00:32:00.001+08:00

Everything has been said.

Everything has been done.

I don't know what's gonna happen next, but then again, who does?

I can't lie to myself anymore. It feels horrible to betray my own soul.

Life is about taking risks, and that's exactly what I'm doing. Taking risks.

I never wanted to live in regrets. Let me fight for the sake of my little soul.
I know I can't go back, this is my final decision. I trust in my instinct, and this is what my heart tells me.

Everything has an ending. So do we.

I'm sorry.

My heart beats like a drum, pum pum pum

2011-07-25T22:11:00.000+08:00

Photo Courtesy of Hazira Jamal.

I'm dying here, without my camera. My sister borrowed it from me since she's going to the WMBC Street Parade, which is tonight and right now. I wanna go so badly, but, school keeps getting in my fucking way.

I thought it's always about what people think of me. I have no idea how wrong I was about everything. It's always about me, little did I know that, after all this while, the only person I want to please is, me. I was lost in the sea of lies, until at one point, I can barely see the difference between love and hatred. Shame.

I have no mercy for your soul.

You've been warned.

See what we did today!

2011-07-19T22:03:00.001+08:00

From left; ME, Piqa, Hani.

Photo courtesy of Ida Nerina Yahya.

Hani was trying to show off her pashmina styles and bla bla bla and Piqa was forced to be the model. And I was standing so uselessly next to them har har har. So this is pretty much what we did today, webcamming. Ida brought her netbook to school and heck we had fun. Little did we know that we are going to face our monthly test a few weeks from now. Wow, the fact that I am extremely good at wasting my time scares me, a little.

Kill me with words.

But I am closer to the clouds up here

2011-07-18T22:02:00.001+08:00

SO YOU THINK YOU GOT SWAG?
THINK AGAIN.

Hi! It has been a while since I wrote anything about my life here, all I can see was birthday wishes from top to the bottom of this blog. Haha. If you want to know whether you're important to me or likewise, you should see the content of my blog and if you're there, you are undeniably important. Capiche?

Anyway, last weekend was the J-Robik competition. I swear it was, with no doubt, a public humiliation. But it was FUN! I was laughing throughout the competition and of course, I did a few wrong steps haha (don't blame me, I only practiced for like, 3 days or so) and we won 3rd place, which is, quite okay la I think.

My life's a mess right now. There's too many things to settle and you have no idea how lazy I am these days. I got another test this coming August and seriously I'm not prepared at all and I haven't studied shit. Oh and my teacher told me that I should start to work my IID project out for the competition next month. This is crazy. I hardly have any time for myself.

I'm gonna have this positive attitude that everything will turns out perfectly fine; even when they don't, which I believe, will help me settle everything down. It was all easy before and now, it gets harder everyday.

Never regret anything because at one time it was what you wanted.

A.S Norfarah Fadzila

2011-07-18T21:05:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY A.S!

I LOVE YOU!

MAY ALLAH BLESS YOU!

As sayang, stay bestfriends sampai bila-bila okay? I love you. Even though we're no longer classmates, but you will always be my bestfriend yang gila, comel, keding and a mak datin :p Muaaah! Sayang kak cik! <3

Izwani Ismail

2011-07-12T21:16:00.001+08:00

Wani,
We've been friends for 10 years now. Wow, 10 years is not a short period and the friendship we shared is undeniably priceless. I grew up with you throughout my childhood and up until now, my teenage years. We spent it all together. Please just remember that I love you no matter what. You'll always be my favourite mafia. HAHA lol

I love you!

Happy Sixteenth Birthday!

A letter to my hero

2011-07-12T16:59:00.005+08:00

This is a post for my football hero.

Please don't laugh haha.

Hi Van Persie. I am sure that you're already in Malaysia and probably you're training right now for tomorrow's match. Wow. I sure hope I can meet you in person. You know, you've been my football idol ever since I saw you kicked the ball on the screen 6 years ago, I was 10 years old then. And of course I adored Fabregas too. But year after year, my admiration towards him fades. But, believe it or not, I still adore you just like the first time I saw you. How cool is that? Very.

To be real honest, last season was a huge disappointment to me and I believe, every gunners. I'm not sure what's wrong with the team, but, you played fucking well compared to the others. When the whole team brings me down, you and your skillful kicks raise my spirit back up. You are awesome in so many ways. I wonder why they always put Fabregas in the spotlight, but I'm glad everybody's finally seeing your talent. I love you, Robin van Persie.

I saw Wilshere's tweets everyday. I wonder why you don't tweet much? Oh and tell him I adore him too, and please ask Walcott to sign up on twitter haha. I saw Wilshere's tweet the other day, saying that he's arrived in Malaysia. I was so.. hysterical.

At first, I was so spirited as I heard the news that you're coming down here in Malaysia. I can finally hug the real you instead of your flat poster in my room hahahaha lol. But, the match will be held on Wednesday and obviously I can't go. Bummer. But anyway, I wish you best of luck for tomorrow. Just a gentle reminder, don't underestimate those Harimau Malaya boys, they've improved so well for the past few months. They're young and energetic and you have no idea what they're capable of. May the best team win!

And say Hi to the rest of the team, including Bendtner, eventho I hate him. Tell him 'STOP PLAYING LIKE A GIRL' for me. hahaha lol.

Lots of love, a huge fan of yours.

I'm about to set fire to everything I see

2011-07-09T14:52:00.005+08:00

Hi. It's 9th July. My friends are going out today to celebrate Wanie's birthday today but too bad I won't be there, baaad timing -.- No sweat, I'll have fun in my own little way today with my sister. Anyway I managed to clean my bedroom this morning, can't remember the last time I actually vacuumed those filthy dust away. So I am pretty proud with my self har har har *clap clap clap*

Talk about 9th of July, my fast-paced Twitter timeline is filled with tweets about Bersih. Well, if you're smart enough to read the newspapers and watch the news, you'll know what I'm talking about. Well, honestly, I don't like the idea of that rally. Sure the demands bring no harm, but, I bet Malaysia won't be the same anymore. Like I said thousands of time, my general knowledge of politics is too narrow and I am too young to drown myself into all this bullshits. I don't blame Najib for everything. I just think that he's a poor soul who's chosen to be the PM at the wrong time when everybody starts rebelling against something that they're not completely sure of. For instance, teens, what do we know about the world we lived in? We don't even know what those politicians are up to. We're all easily influenced with the 'food' that is served in front of our eyes. I wonder why it is so hard to see the world through our heart? I've said this before, human are all the same; no one's better than the others. It's funny to see some teenagers are talking about politics like they've lived forever. Kid, we don't even know the half of what's happening. All that I know was, there's no such thing as clean politics. Even if the opposition kicked the current government down, they won't be any 'cleaner'. Can you guarantee if the opposition takes over, they'll have a fair elections, which they're currently fighting for? You won't, because you don't know what's gonna happen right? My point exactly.

An eye for an eye, makes the whole world blind - Gandhi.

By now you might have noticed that I love taking pictures with my hands as a triangle. I don't know, there's something about that little gesture that I adore. Some say that it's a hipster sign, and some say it's a HP's sign. Well, I don't care but I think it makes me look cool. No? Nevermind T__T hahaha lol

Oh me and my friend, Wanie (who'll be celebrating her birthday this Tuesday harhar) will take part in the Invention, Innovation and Design (IID) competition next month. Pretty excited, honestly. And Encik Hashim told me the qualifications for F1 competition will be known either this month or next month, and the race will be held maybe in October (after/during exam). I bet I'll be freaking busy with all this stuff and my final exam. Ya Allah please help me balance everything well, Amin.

Young and full of running,

tell me where has that taken me?

Hell of a week

2011-07-07T20:51:00.001+08:00

Hey!
Believe it or not, I'm starting to love Physics!

I'm wearing yellow. Police, come on get me :B

It's a hell of a week for me indeed. Stayed back almost everyday, slept a little late every-fucking-day, eating disorder and tuition classes. I can even hardly breathe now. How I wish I could go back in time and be a little kid who hardly gives a damn about anything. I mean, who doesn't right? Anyway congratulations for my sport house Tun Kudu for being the first runner-up for handball under 18. Green all the way!

Anyway, I played football for PE today. It was awesome I tell you! Tho my shoes does not look like shoes anymore, but, I had fun! I was the captain (hardly) and of course we lost haha 4-2. I swear I was sweating like a pig! I'm looking forward to another match. And this time, I'll give no mercy haha.

I can't wait for the 17th. You know why? It's my baby's birthday! He's turning sixteen next week hehe And this is the point where I should be worried because I don't fucking know what to get him as a present. I asked my friends but, instead of giving me a few brilliant suggestions, they gave me such useless ideas. So HELP ME!

MTV World Stage. Arsenal.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Keep your head up high

2011-07-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

I am freaking tired right now. I went to handball practice today from 3 to 4. Tho I don't play much but it's still very tiring. And then I rushed home and get ready for my Addmaths tuition at 5. And now it's only 9 o'clock but my whole body can't resist the awesomeness of my bed. Ha.

My friends asked me 'What happen to you?' and, they also say 'Aku rindu Hazira yang dulu'. I know, they missed the lazy me, the I-don't-give-a-fuck-about-homeworks Hazira. Yes, I know. But sooner or later I have got to change. Why? Form 4 is not easy I tell you. I have to bury my Form 3 attitude far down to the depths of my soul. Lots of people out there flunked their SPMs because of their honeymoon year. Unless if I intend to become a loser and ended up working as a maid in my own house, I gotta keep my head up high.

I can't wait until this fucking Wednesday. It's the day when I get my Arsenal latest home kit wheeeee.

Drastic fantastic

2011-07-02T21:03:00.003+08:00

I'm young, and I make mistakes.

Thats's how I learn to be a better person.

What's wrong with that?

Hi it's been quite some time since I last posted anything in here, well I am undeniably busy with studies and everything so only today that I finally have some free time to type this piece of shit.

How are you doing? I'm fine. My life's going on well Alhamdulillah. Anyway it's already July and there's only a few months till my final exam. Well you might think that it's waay too early to talk about this, but hey, unless if I'm expecting my final exam to crash and burn (like my midyear), I have to be ready. I mean, fucking ready.

My junior told me that some teachers from my school can't find anything useful to do other than stalking the students' blogs. Well teacher, if somehow you're here, in this blog, reading this junk, there's only one thing I want to say to you so listen closely - GO GET A PART TIME JOB. I can't find the reason why you wanted to swim into students' personal lives, have you ever heard of the word privacy? Peace.

Oh and Simple Plan's latest album is the shiznit. Can't get enough of the songs.
And, I'm falling in love with Coldplay. Like, seriously.
Bye!

Small changes

2011-06-21T15:26:00.002+08:00

From this

to this

People change, so do hair. It has been ages since I last cut my hair this short, so yeah I'm loving my new hair. I sure miss my long curly hair, but what the heck, my hair's gonna grow sooner or later right? Anyway, do you know how easy it is to do headbanging with my hair this short? Yes, freaking easy. Haha.

Btw, look at the second picture, oh god, my cheeks -.-

I think she likes him too.

Words for my best friend

2011-06-19T11:01:00.003+08:00

Today is 19th of June. Today marks the beginning of my best friend's life as she turns sixteen today. Today is her sixteenth birthday. Happy Birthday itiS inaH azeraF Liamsi (please read it backwards thank you).

Hani,
You're my best friend. Walaupun aku kenal kau tak lama macam aku kenal Wani & Pika, tapi aku kamceng gila babi dengan kau, lebih daripada diaorang. Kau kena ingat satu fakta yang aku adalah satu satunya manusia dalam 4SC1 yang sanggup jadi deskmate kau. Sayang aku tak? hahhaha lol

Hani,
Kita tak pernah gaduh kan? Even though kau maki aku hari-hari, aku maki kau hari-hari, tapi kita chill je kan? Kau cool doh, serious, kau kawan paling cool sebab kau tak pernah terasa dengan aku yang maha ganas ni. But at the same time kau ni sakai gila hahaha kau memalukan diri kau sendiri most of the time tapi aku tetap sayang kau jugak.

Hani,
Kau pernah cakap kalau ada subject pasal 'Hazira Jamal' mesti kau dapat A+ kan? Yes, I second that statement. Sebab kau kenal aku lebih dari aku kenal diri aku sendiri. You know me well enough to judge me. Yes, kau sorang je yang layak nak judge aku based on my actions, sebab kau betul-betul kenal siapa Hazira Jamal tu.

Hani,
On your sixteenth birthday, I want you to know that I will always stand right next to you through ups and downs, thick and thin. I will always be there to support you, to tell you how much you're worth it, to make sure you believe in what you're capable of.

Lastly Hani,

Saya, Nur Hazira Binti Jamal, sayang awak, Siti Hani Fareza Ismail.

Buried down inside

2011-06-15T19:32:00.003+08:00

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than what she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.” - Bob Marley

I posted this a few weeks back, but I guess it's necessary to post it again. For some things that happen recently, I wonder if I can stay cool and carry on. I'm scared of the unknowns. I gave up easily without even trying. I think I'm wrecked inside.

Anyway Photography Club's activity was greaaat today. I had fun but I'm freaking exhausted. Funny thing that I tried to pop a balloon by sitting on it, but it never popped. Never. Dear balloon, you hate me is it?

Arsenal for life

2011-06-11T10:35:00.003+08:00

I chatted with my sister yesterday, I told her that I want to see Arsenal at Bukit Jalil next month so I asked her to survey the tickets for me. So I signed up on ticketpro to check out the tickets for the match. And then I told her 'How the hell am I going to get the money for this tickets? Kalau abah fan Arsenal takpe jugak, he's a Liverpool fan. So it's not gonna happen, tu pon nasib baik he's generous enough to drive me there'. Actually I was hoping that she will buy the tickets for me hahaha lol then she said, 'Kakaien boleh belikan. Nak yang RM68 ke? Serious seat yang tu nampak semut je la' and I was like WTFFFFFFFF hahaha And then she said she'll think about buying the RM108 ticket for me since it's not her payday yet. Well I'm not getting my hopes too high tho, it's just a football match, the RM68 is enough I think. But, who am I kidding, I wouldn't say no if my sister's gonna buy me the 108 ticket so yeah, I'll keep my fingers crossed :)

And the fact that the match will be held on 13 July which is on Wednesday pretty much bothers me. But I don't give a flying fuck, I want to see Arsenal, and that's final. I won't let school get in my way. So, it looks like I'll have to skip school on Thursday. Swag.

And now the only thing that I have to worry about is, my dad. This whole idea of seeing Arsenal kinda irritates him because obviously, he's not a fan. Come on dad, when was the last time I asked you for a favour? Please please please only for this time just put your Liverpool fan life away.

Let's get out of the main topic for a while. Let see, the idea of 'having' and 'being' are a totally different thing. Well for example, I have a guitar (having) doesn't mean I'm a guitarist (being). Get it? Same goes with photography and photographer or whatever you call it, having and being are two different things. Just because you have an over-priced camera doesn't mean you're a photographer. I happen to have an over-priced camera but I never called myself a photographer. You know why?

Photography is much more than just capturing pictures. Some kids may think that by having a DSLR automatically mean you're a photographer. Capturing pictures of yourself and your friends and then edit the pictures later on does not make you a photographer. For me, photographer is an artist who captures the moment, the panorama, the moving art using a camera. They captured the perspective in a unique way, and turned it into something that will blow your mind. You should take a look at my flickr account, I'm not good enough with photos and all that, but I have the passion for it, but clearly 'being' and 'wanting' are also two different things. That's why I don't think I deserve the title photographer. You get what I mean right?

I'm not pointing this to anybody, it's just a general thought. Probably nobody cares anyway.

Azzuddin Afiq,

just the thought of you can drive me wild,
oh baby you make me smile :)

A little bit of everything

2011-06-07T10:34:00.006+08:00

Hello beautiful people of earth.

Y'know since I was in elementary school, I've always wanted to be a doctor, or someone who works at the hospital. But up until this very moment, I don't think it's what I was born to do. I find myself constantly asking my dad about what am I supposed to do when I finished school next year? Where should I go? Where will this life leads me? Well it's pretty useless asking him questions that neither of us know the answers. I don't know why I got this crazy idea about my future right now, well, I'm only sixteen. But yeah something inside this little heart tells me that it's important to know what I want, where I'm going and who I'll become one day. But the one thing that came in my way, is my very own, Mr. Confusion.

At times I find it pretty cool if I ended up becoming an orchestra musician. I've always have a thing for music, that explains why I joined my school band. But, I know I can do much more than that. Why do less, when we can do more? And I'm stuck. I want to do something extraordinary, you know? Other than just sit pointlessly in my cubicle waiting for lunchtime and then rot in front of my paper works until it's time to go home. No, that's not what I wanted, that's not me. I want something adventurous, a job that needs me to wake up at 3am and also a job that requires me to deal with dead bodies everyday. I know there's a job hanging in you head right now. Yes, a forensic. Did I ever tell you that I'm a huge fan of CSI and I find it quite amazing to be a crime scene investigator. Hell cool. I know.

So after writing those two paragraphs of shit, my vision is still blurry. I don't know what my heart wants. Anyway, I'm done babbling about that. Guess what while I was having my breakfast today, my dad told me about Arsenal coming down here in Malaysia in July, which I already knew a few weeks back. He told me he knows how much I'm into Arsenal and he kinda asks me 'Nak pergi ke tak?' LOL Dad, WTF, of course I want to go. I would kill to go. But I'm not 100% sure if he really wants to take me there, or he just wants to annoy me. And then I keep on saying stuff like 'It would be so cool if I can actually go' and 'I promise I'll do better in school' and all that random stuff. You know what he said? 'Okay okay, I'll take you to see your Arsenal if you stop bugging me while I eat'. Ha.

Anyway Afiq has a hard time sleeping at night, I mean in the morning about 3am or so. So every time he can't sleep he'll call and text me. But, Hazira Jamal is someone who won't wake the fuck up even when her phone is yelling hard beside her. Bad habit die-hard right? But last night I did woke up, only that he'd already fallen back asleep. Well, good thing that he can actually sleep. I should really work on my bad sleep habit, tidur mati. And I can't help but worry about his health condition. Poor baby, I hope you get better soon :(

It has been a while since I actually wrote this long. I don't know what's got into me but I guess I'm just in the mood for writing and spilling every single thought I have in this silly head of mine. But who cares, it's not like there's actually someone who reads my craps anyway right? hee hee hee :p

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.

1. Be as understanding as you can be. I'm ego and headstrong, you have to be extremely understanding to put up with my craps.

2. Smile a lot, first thing I notice about a guy is his smile.

3. Be brave and gentle. If you like me, admit it, say it to my face. Don't be scared to say what you feel inside, that's not manly at all haha.

4. Sing for me. I just want to know if you have the guts to sing a few songs for me, how bad your voice might be is another matter.

5. Be totally honest with me. There's nothing I treasure more than honesty. Because if you always tell me the truth, I know I can trust you in everything.

6. Trust me. I think this is one of the most important thing ever. When you trust me, I know I'm important to you.

7. Sensitivity, haha. I think guys who are sensitive are actually very attractive. By sensitive I mean, easily touched, fragile and all that. Pretty cute, I think.

8. Wrote me letters. Ah, this is so freaking cute. I just love it when Afiq actually wrote love letters for me hehe.

Something about you is so addictive.

Stop holding yourself back

2011-06-05T14:36:00.001+08:00

Since I'm doing absolutely nothing today, figured I might as well start doing the '10 Days Challenge'. I know, I know. I am a bit outdated, I guess almost everybody has done this particular challenge before, but hell, I'm doing it now muahaha.

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

My mom - Please stop complaining about me getting up late. For god's sake it's holiday.

My dad - Stop it with the sarcastic jokes. You annoy me sometimes haha.

My sister - Stop calling me fat, fat. You're fatter than me. Ha.

My Afiq baby - I love you. Forever. You're my only one.

My Chemistry teacher - Sorry, I still hate you.

Joe Brooks - Can you get any hotter? And your voice is such a perfect melody.

Mimin - Happy birthday darling. You're sixteen today!

Y*** - He's mine, back off hahahahaha lol jk

Hani - I miss you.

Naqie - It's been a week, no even a single text message? Merajuk ah.

The Hills Have Eyes; I swear I'm not gonna watch that movie ever again. It was horribly scary, terrifying. The blood, the dead bodies, the ruthless killers, I can't help but feel extremely nauseated until this very moment. I can't even. All that I know is I can't stop covering my face with my pillow but yet I can't stop screaming. That movie scares the hell out of me, it gives me chills, like seriously. And jsyk, I'm not gonna eat anything red for a few days.

Words may sting, but silence is what breaks the heart.

Every mile further there's a part of me that slips away

2011-05-27T18:54:00.003+08:00

Hi. I'm in the mood for nothing. I've been like this since morning, until this very moment. I don't know what my heart wants, I don't know what I want. Everything is so mixed up and I hate it. Or maybe it's just my conscience. If somehow my conscience were a person, I would've strangled him.

But overall, I'm fine. Bye.

“Have you ever gone down a road, far down and wondered, maybe it wasn’t what you want?”

We're only waiting for the sun to clear away the haze

2011-05-26T21:16:00.008+08:00

Okay so I'm in melancholy at the moment. Well I have been expecting this actually and after all, I kinda deserve the thing I'm feeling right now too. Oh well it is what it is. There's no turning back and the only thing I can do now is keep calm and carry on. Well, words not deeds ey? Oh and seriously I'm going to drag my ass to attend tuition classes. I'm done procrastinating.

And I ditched school today, unexpectedly. Yesterday I was so spirited to go to school but, it turns out I'm not all that spirited anymore earlier this morning. So I told my dad that I'm not in the mood for school haha good thing that my dad let me stay home today. Anyway, do you know that my dad is such a tattletale? It annoys me sometimes -.- My dad always act like he's a youngster haish and he loves to fool around. At certain times in a day, I wish my dad could be a little more serious hmph. Anyway he's my dad and I love him just the way he is, and he's the coolest dad ever. Haha Abah kalau baca ni sure terharu haha.

Anyway next week I'll be going to Jakarta for a few days. I don't really like Jakarta though, I wanna go to Phuket instead. But my dad insisted to have a holiday trip to Jakarta. And in fact my mom had been an Indonesian series' biggest fan since who-knows-when, so she kinda supports my dad too. And I guess my absolutely brilliant idea about changing our destination to Phuket is a no-go. Oh well, Jakarta's better than nothing I guess :/

And we'll be flying with Singapore Airlines and I think I'll be staying in Singapore for a while after we went back from Jakarta. Oh my god I miss Singapore. I miss my nenek, I miss my uncles and aunties, I miss my cousins and I miss everyone in Singapore. Last time I went there was about a few months ago when my grandad passed away. I'm looking forward to meet nenek, missed her and her fcking awesome cooking.

But, I'll be leaving Afiq behind. This whole idea of having a vacation overseas kinda upset him. I know. I'm worried if something happen to him while I'm gone, I won't be there to comfort him like I usually do. I'll be missing him too. In fact I will miss him so much. There ain't no day that I face without him. I need him just as much as he needs me. He's the enzyme and I'm his substrate. We're a pair. Okay wtf am I talking about? Biology, please stop bugging me. Exam's over, now, shoo.

I know it's not easy.
Life's not meant to be easy.

Hope ends when you stop believing

2011-05-24T23:34:00.006+08:00

Exam's over and I can do absolutely anything that my heart desires. So for those who haven't finished your midterm exam, don't be jealous. Hahaha no, please be jealous. And my sleep pattern has officially gone out of whack so I'm going to sleep like an elephant after this. And I'm planning on ditching school on Thursday. Okay life's good.

So I was answering my Biology paper 3 earlier today, I was so immersed into the questions (haha) and when I looked up I saw Hani was looking straight at me from her place and she was like 'soalan ni macam babi doh' with her lip-language. Yes, soalan Biology paper 3 memang macam babi. Thank god tak masuk dalam over-all marks.

Okay I'm not sure why my Facebook inbox is flooded with this one weird question. I wonder how and why a few totally different people can ask me exactly the same question with a space like a day or two. Why are you so interested to know the kind of music I love? Okay I'm going to explain briefly my fav type/genre of music and also my favourite singers here, 'cause everytime I get that 'Tell me what's your favourite songs and musicians so I can download them all' questions, I feel like 'dude seriously? I just answered this question yesterday'.

Okay so basically I love punk, rock music, anything with loud guitar solo and deafening drum solo will do, but it depends on my mood too. If I'm being a little sentimental at the moment, I'd listen to acoustics and slow music. Oh and Punk Goes Acoustic is one of my personal favourite album of all time. I never get tired of acoustic version of metal and punk songs, it's like being punk, only in a subtle way. So my favourite bands are Arctic Monkeys, Paramore, 30 Seconds To Mars, The Maine, Jimmy Eat World, Bring Me The Horizon, Bullet For My Valentine, All Time Low, Incubus, The All-American Rejects, Dashboard Confessional, Linkin Park, The Summer Set, Relient K, Panic! At The Disco, Muse, I Set My Friends On Fire, Maroon5, 3 Doors Down, Hellogoodbye, You Me At Six, We The Kings, Jack's Mannequin, Mayday Parade, Matchbox Twenty and so-fucking-more. Other than that I also love John Mayer, Joe Brooks, Faizal Tahir, Bruno Mars, Ingrid Michaelson, Jamal Abdillah, Sara Bareilles & etcetera etcetera etcetera. It may took forever for me to list them all in here. So, to those who keep on asking me about my favourite music and bands, do take note. I'm not gonna repeat myself. Hehe okay.

So this post is obviously a mixture of everything. Can you see how psyched I am that exam's over? I don't have to sleep with my books anymore, well not for now. But enjoy it while it lasts right? There's so much to do, hundreds of songs and movies are waiting to be downloaded, and the utmost priority, my sleep redemption.

Last but not least, Afiq's blog made me smile again.
No, not his blog, it's him who actually makes me happy <3

Just because almost everybody likes you,

doesn't mean I have to like you too.

Fucktard.

No longer needed here so where do we go?

2011-05-19T19:02:00.010+08:00

I sat on my chair and I looked around. I'm not sure what I was looking for but, I guess I was seeking for my inner strength and of course, answers. Most of my classmates have already jotted down numbers and formulas on their papers and I'm still staring blankly to my Addmaths paper. Well yes, for the first time in my whole life, I thought my brain was not functioning. That was, so far, the most unproductive, torturous 2 hours and 30 minutes of my life. Well yea I'm just being melodramatic.

Thanks to Arctic Monkeys and John Mayer for being there with me when I'm studying. I've been cracking my head just too hard, to transfer all the useless information inside my brain and I need music to tenderize my neurons. Okay now I'm speaking in biological way. What. the. hell. is. wrong. with. me.

Well honestly I've been studying my ass off for my midterm and none of my sleepless night is actually worth it. Because as I woke up in the morning, everything's gone. The details, the formulas and all the info. Brain, please start functioning well. And the idea of having 3 more papers to sit for makes me wanna jump off a cliff.

Three more papers to go until I am finally free; Tasawwur, Physics and Biology. Well one thing for sure, I'm not gonna push myself too hard on Physics. I hate Physics. Nuff said. Aha I can't wait to watch Spongebob 24/7. I can't wait to rot in front of the computer without being yelled at. Oh and I desperately need to go to the MTV World Stage in July. Mak, please. I wanna see 30 saat ke Marikh haha

For the anons who sent stupid mails to me; I wrote in English not to gain attention, and seriously not to impress people. This is who I am without trying to be somebody else. Being mad at me for writing in English is like trying to tell me to stop being a girl.

Baby baby, I miss you baby. Afiq afiq, I miss you.

When the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound

2011-05-15T13:58:00.001+08:00

I wonder why everyone keeps asking for more than what I can possibly give. I'm imperfect, and every part of me have flaws. I make mistakes, but when I say sorry, I really really mean it. Please stop expecting too much from me. I feel like I'm a drop of tear in the sea of pure water, I'm zero.

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell them for a dollar.
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner.
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singing.
Funny, when you're dead how people start listening.

How did we get here? I used to know you so well.

Give me therapy, I'm a walking travesty

2011-05-14T11:45:00.007+08:00

Fly; I wish I could fly. And I’m not talking about jets and planes or even hot-air balloon. I’m talking about the natural flying ability. It’s what I’ve been dreaming of since, idk, Kindergarten? I grew up with one dream knotted in my heart; one day I’m gonna fly. But as I grow up and I’m turning sixteen now, that dream was ruthlessly killed by the sharp-pointed knife of maturity and sanity.

I want to feel the air, hitting my face, without leaving any bruise on it. I want to feel the clouds, hugging me as I fly through them. I want to look at the world through a different angle, different perspective. I want to touch the sky with my own hands. I want to spread my arms, and embrace the world. If somehow I were Timmy Turner, I would have wished to defy gravity. How stupid of him not to wish for the ability to fly. Cosmo, Wanda, I need you guys pretty badly here.

So far this week has gone a little out of whack. Exam papers are my worst enemies right now. I tried my best to love my books. I tried my hardest to stay away from the temptations in my house; the computer, the tv - the FUN. Oh and I looked at my self in the mirror, wow, I think I gain weight. Dammit! Food; stop persuading me to swallow you. I'll try my hardest to lessen my daily dose of chocolate and ice-cream. Haha If not, you'll be seeing me on TV in 10 years, participating The Biggest Loser haha

Afiq, I'm not leaving. I just want you to be happy. I can't bear to see you sad. The guilt is killing me.
I'm thankful for having you beside me.
I truly am.

I never told a lie, and that makes me a liar.

She was gentle as a dove and brave as a lioness

2011-05-08T18:45:00.001+08:00

This is a post I made specially for you on this Mother's Day. Thank you, for everything. By everything I mean, every single food you cook for me, those time when you sit next to me when I needed someone to talk to, the jokes you share with me, the tears you shed for me, your prayers for me and obviously, your endless, priceless and indivisible love for me and sis. Thank you. You are the greatest woman alive and I will love you till my last breath. Pinkie swear :p

I know I am never a good daughter. I'm lazy. I rarely do the dishes, I never helped you in the kitchen, I am not the daughter that you'll be proud of. I'm not as good as your first daughter, we all know that. I'm rebellious, headstrong and I always do things my way and, I hurt your feelings a lot. Despite all the hurtful things I did, you still love me anyway. Mom, did I ever tell you that you are awesome in so many ways? Yes you are heck awesome k.

So Mak I love youuuuu,

xoxo your daughter.

Nightmares are dreams too

2011-05-02T11:00:00.004+08:00

So yesterday me and my cousins went to Melaka ard 1.30pm and we're headed to Mahkota Parade. At first we're planning on going to Dataran Pahlawan but you know it was Sunday and the parking was whacked. So Mahkota it is. And as my sister was looking for a parking spot, me and my cousin ran inside and made a reservation for 6 at Seoul Garden. Right after that we ran upstairs and booked 6 movie tickets for Seru.

Seoul Garden was awesome. The food are fcking delicious, like always. And the food are worth spending on. It ain't cheap tho but who cares? When it comes to good food, never questions it. Ha, that's how I roll. Anyway, I'll upload the pictures on Facebook k?

So, should I make a review on Seru? Yes I should haha. The movie reminds me a lot of Quarantine, probably because of the camera panning but the storyline was different. If I compare it to Khurafat, it's not that scary but Seru is so realistic that I have to cover my face with a popcorn box all the way to the ending. And there's this one scene almost got me crying; the killing part. It's unbearable to see the people in the film got killed so ruthlessly in front of my eyes. For those who have heart attack, believe me, if you want to stay alive longer, don't watch this movie. 4 stars for Seru.

It's hard when you're being yourself and you're scared that you may not be good enough. It's hard when you're pretending not to care for something that you cared the most. It's difficult to deal with paranoia thoughts inside your head. It scares me if somehow everyone is just using me for their own benefits. It's hard when you loved someone too much that sometimes you wonder if you ever loved anyone else that much. The wrong feeling you felt when you pleased everyone, but you forgot to please the most important person, YOU. I'm tired of dealing with 'what ifs'. And the hardest one yet, sometimes you wonder if it's wrong to follow what your heart says. That's pretty much what I'm dealing with everyday.

SO IT'S ALEX GASKARTH

I'm away to face my midterm in approximately a week from now. So take care of yourself while I'm gone. Will be back soon. x

Azzuddin Afiq, I miss you so much.

Tranquility

2011-04-29T19:48:00.009+08:00

The worst thing about watching the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton is, you'll pretty much expect your wedding to be that prestigious. You don't? Well, I do. I'm not really into weddings (even though my mom is a wedding planner), but now that I've watched this wedding of the century, I can't help to go dreamy over the fabulous dress, the cars, the cheers and of course, the Prince. My prince, for shizzle. K please stop being so foolishly imaginative.

I don't know what makes me feel so insecure these days. I've never been this way before, but it seems like I've been drowning in what other people thought of me until at one point, I barely remember what I thought of myself. It's hard when you can't help but make room in your heart and mind for those who have nothing to do with neither your life nor your existence. It's difficult when you're trying your best to please everyone yet all they did was take you for granted. I can only please one person per day, and today, I choose me.

Well I'm not sure what's the logical explanation to my weird behaviour lately. But I think this fever of mine has finally create a brand new me. My current rocker-wannabe voice is an obvious change that everybody notices, but I'm talking about - strumming my guitar in the darkness of night at 2am. Oh something just struck the core of my head; it's been a while since I took any pictures with my camera. I think it's pretty obvious that my lunacy to photography has lessened day by day. My god, Hazira what the hell is happening to you?!

I must say that today I can smile so proudly as I glanced at each of my classmates, both Chinese and Malay. Oh and the Indians too. They've worked so hard today only to make our not-so-new classroom looked at least a bit cheerful than it used to be- dull and dim. I had finally felt this sense of belonging that I've been seeking for quite some time now. At last, I feel like we're a family. Thank you girls, I love you all. 4SC1 rules haha.

My sister's coming home tomorrow evening and I'm missing her quite badly right now. But in the morning I'll be accompanying my auntie to Malacca. She got this hugeee meeting with idk who but she's afraid of driving alone and this is pretty much where I do my part. And on Sunday, my sister and I will have our girls day out. Nope, no manicure/pedicure or hair treatment. I'm talking about something wayyy better than those nauseating girly stuff --- MOVIE MARATHON. Wohoo I'm pumped!

I once thought I was a belieber for life and now I'm afraid I was wrong. I never sang along to Justin's songs anymore. I don't care about his gossips like I used to. Sorry Justin, I guess I've changed and I'm no longer one of your beloved beliebers. Wow. I can smell something fishy here hahaha. Yeap, sadly people, this is something I can't deny; maybe I've grown too mature now that I'm more into Alternative Rock, Punk and Acoustic. You see, people change right? I am a mortal human so, I'll change according to what my heart tells me. So I guess you get what I mean aite? As hard as I try to stay childish and immature like I was before, I can't help it k? I'm growing up.

p.s. I can't stop laughing my ass off as I was digging through the old junks in my blog. I'm not sure if you noticed my newly-added blog achieves, and oh god please don't look at my past years posts. It's embarrassing how young and naive I was. But it is also quite awesome to see how I've changes through these years (Y)

I miss my baby.

Shiznit

2011-04-27T22:14:00.005+08:00

I believe you have noticed that my blog has turned swarthy; literally. So I guess I've morphed to my emo self. My god Hazira, since when you've become so stereotypical? Ha I'm still the same old me but it seems like I get tired of my blog's older look; white and pale and boring. And so, tadaaaa. Black is the new white FTW.

I didn't go to school today probably because I was too weak to do so. I can't even walk properly like always, I stumbled on my way to the bathroom so I waste all day sleeping and rolling on my bed; pretty awesome don't cha think?

Ah the fact that I get sick easily troubles me. Should I take more supplements? Because fyi I'm currently taking a few different types of supplements but honestly I don't think it's working on me anyway. I ate them just because my dad told me so. I hate meds, everytime I swallow them I thought 'dude, you're taking drugs' hahaha ironic?

I think I need to slap my self right now*slapslap* I need a refresher to remind my self that mid year is coming real soon and by now I should sink myself into all the useless information in order to pass my papers without any drop of red ink on my report book. I got a lot to memorize, to understand and believe me, it took almost forever to stuck the facts inside my head. And don't even get me started with Chemistry -.-

Ah shit, there's so much to do, so little time. Dear God, I need more than 24 hours a day. Sincerely, me.

And my lovelife is going on perfectly fine these days. I'm happy with my baby, so freaking happy. So pretty much my life is at its most stable state. Alhamdulillah. May it stays this way.

Love is an irresistible desire of being irresistibly desired.

Vagueness

2011-04-26T19:14:00.003+08:00

I'm not sure why, but I seemed to lost focus pretty easily this few days, and somehow I am sure this flu I'm having is distracting me from everything. I can't stop sneezing and my eyes are all watery and it bothers me a lot. At times I feel like yanking my nose out, but then I'll look just like Voldemort. Which. Is. Weird. hahahaha

And since I got the flu, my voice sounds funny. Macam rockstar yang sengau, you get what I mean right? Aku rasa semua orang tahan gelak je dengar suara aku kan? Eleh takyah jaga hati aku la, aku tau diam-diam korang gelakkan aku haha.

Anyhoo, every single thing about my school is getting---- annoying. Last week I got detention for being late to school. K I'm not gonna defend myself since I am, undeniably, late hahaha But, this week, my whole class got that freaking detention. Sebab 4SC1 'dianugerahi' award kelas paling kotor block D 3 kali straight. For god's sake kelas kiteorang tak kotor ok. Srsly, ini tidak adiiiiil! Hmph!

Kfoine. Teachers I hope you know whatever you're doing and you should be happy with it because as far as I am concerned, I'm not.

self-monologue;

sudah lah Hazira. Enough with the internet. Stop playing around. Mid year dah dekat oi.

Immolation

2011-04-24T21:48:00.003+08:00

Tell me who the hell would go to school on a Monday even when she got the fuckin' MC from the doctor?
Me.

For god's sake please tell me who, in this whole wide world, would sacrifice that freakin' MC?
Me.

And again, tell me who can be so stupid to go to school on a stupid Monday and drag herself to the Chemistry lab even when she knows she could sleep happily at home while her friends are dying in the Chemistry-effin-lab?
Me.

Hi.

Welcome to Geekville.

Population: me

But, there's a reason why I need and I have to go to school tomorrow.

And for that very same reason, I have to sacrifice my MC.

I can't believe that I'm willing to see Zubidah tomorrow, only for that reason.

You'll know the reason; Soon.

p.s. peh dramatic gila doh aku hahahaha

Lugubrious

2011-04-24T14:34:00.002+08:00

Last night I slept at 12. Then today I woke up at 8.40am. I realized that I'm having a sore-throat, runny nose and fever and my head goes round and round like an unstoppable train. So I got up, brushed my teeth and washed my face and had my breakfast.After breakfast, I really can't take it anymore, I can't even stand properly so I slept until 12.30.

And now it's 2.30pm, I'm still feeling like a santa wearing a snow coat on a beach with a bunch of girls wearing bikini. Wth am I saying? My head is fckin twisted. Aaaaa I'm off to bed again. Bye. Oh ya pukul 3 kena bangun balik nak pujuk baby yang kuat merajuk tu.

What a lazy; pointless post. Sorry, can't even type properly.

Hodiernal

2011-04-04T17:40:00.005+08:00

So yea like I said, today is the day; my pantun day. We won in the first round but we lost in the second; unfair gila tau tak. okay malas nak cerita nanti sakit jiwa hahaha.

let the pictures tell the stories;

in the van; hani and ME.

okay cerita kejap pasal Hani. Dia kawan aku sampai mati; she stands beside me when I need her the most. Dia gila; saya pun gila haha saya sayang dia lebih dr saya sayang diri saya. She gives me strength when I'm weak, she makes me smile when I cry. Saya tak boleh hidup tanpa dia; Hani aku harap kau tahu hakikat itu. I love you yea. Hanya dirimu yang bisa membuat ku tenang, tanpa dirimuuu aku merasa hilang; dan sepi :( #dealova

friends; hani mimin naqie wani

I'm at the back haha

alololo sayang Wani :B

guess who? ME! hahaha poyo

okay mamat ni kelakar gila. like seriously

"makan si dara buah kedondong,

jangan lupa dimakan bijinya"

sorry bang tapi saya gelak macam nak mati td.

hihi time ni konon confident nak menang

tapi --- FUG

oh ya kepada Guru Pelatih SMK P**** B***, keep on pointing our mistakes ye. Keep on distracting the judges. We've played with integrity yet you spoiled everything; siap tak bagi orang tekan bell time budak sekolah dia dah lebih masa. Takpe, you're very lucky that this competition was held in your school; Rabu ni debate dekat SAB aku takkan bagi kau can. kbye.

Abhorrence

2011-04-03T13:04:00.003+08:00

So yesterday, around 5, I went to Melaka with nenek kebayan and my dad. There's so much we want to do, so little time; but yeah we managed to get everything done pronto. hahaha.

Oh and I can't remember the last time I went to Jonker Street; probably last year. So yea we went to JS. Aha, it's like my minimal escapade; but it's not a calming escape since there's lots and lots of people there. I'm drowned in the sea of people haiz.

Pictures are like poems without words;

kay then we had dinner. lepak kejap then balik rumah. oh not to mention that I saw someone semalam, guess who? zoey gerak geri gasing hahahaha. He was at the spring potato stall, I'm not a fan but sumpah dia comel gila. srsly.

Oh, I just got a new text message. It says "I hate you fck !" hihi comel kan? alololo <3 comel gila seh, message yang paling comel aku pernah dapat sejak 10 September 1995 :D

----------------------------------------------------------------

Okay, saya perlukan seberapa ramai volunteers, harini kita akan buat experiment. K. I need you to pinch your arm as hard as you can. sakit? sakit kan? okay then, try pinching it again at the same spot with the same strength. sakit? still sakit kan? okay try for the third time, same strength, same spot. sakit? sakit jugak kan? okay try lagi 3 kali. Okay now, tell me, cubitan kali terakhir tu sakit tak? tak sakit kan?

hypothesis - mana-mana anggota badan yang disakiti berulang-ulang kali, dengan kekuatan yang sama, lama-kelamaan akan lali dengan kesakitan itu dan at one point; ia takkan meninggalkan apa-apa kesan dan takkan rasa sakit lagi. Also applicable for inner organs like HEART.

mungkin yang terakhir masih rasa sakit, tapi tak seperit cubitan yang pertama, kan?

can the hypothesis be accepted? YES.

If this is your attempt to make me stumble and fall; not even in your dreams k.

I am stronger than you thought and you have no idea what I am capable of.

oh yea, to my friends; aku dah deactivate Facebook tau hehehahahohohihihuhu :D

Crestfallen

2011-03-31T02:10:00.003+08:00

There are things in life that's totally out of your control and once you can accept that vital fact, you can finally move on. Well, I may take a little time to face that and when I am strong enough to be the person I was before, then I can move on.

So people I guess this is it and after this I can ensure you that there'll no longer be any lovey-dovey stories from me or maybe I'll stop writing for a while or maybe I will move on or maybe, er too much maybes? so you get the idea right? I can't control anything, Allah decides everything. I'm finally seeing that patency.

I'm afraid. I'm afraid to face everyone. I fear that I will accidentally burst out in tears in front of them; fact that I am vulnerable these days bothers me a lot. Wow. There's so much blemishes to be removed; beautiful blemishes are hard to scrub off y'know?

Stay strong; the best things in life are worth fighting for.

And now it's time for me to fight for myself. I'm not letting myself down anymore. Wish me luck.
peace out.

Endureth

2011-03-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

Hm aku bahagia, kot. Yea, I'm blithe indeed. Somehow, I feel blissful and thankful. Thankful that I'm still alive, thankful that I'm still breathing this heck-awesome gas we call oxygen and I'm thankful for everything. Every single thing, even the insignificant stuff, means a lot to me. Allah, thank you. And also, thank you for giving me the chance to have a superman by my side. Thanks for the love you've shown and the laughter we shared. And most importantly, the tears we've cried. I love you.

Today, I cried in my prayer. I'm not sure why and how that happened, but it did. I was worried, I guess. Tears fell on the palms of my hands and at that moment, I know I'm wrecked. But Allah heard me. And right after I finished my prayer, my phone rings. A call from a person I've been waiting for. The person I cared about, the person I mentioned in my prayer a few seconds earlier. It happened, almost like magic, but only better. All this time, Allah heard me. He heard you. I took awhile to see that crystal clearly. If you're seeking for a certain something, speak humbly to God, He hears you, but you just have to say it with you heart, sincerely.

take care, xx.

Lonesome

2011-03-24T10:35:00.001+08:00

Hi. It's 1030am right now, I am home. I ditch school today. Why? takde mood langsung nak pergi sekolah. Thanks Abah for approving my last-minute leave harharhar. After breakfast, I'm gonna continue my long sleep.

Kbye.

CRY

2011-03-17T00:16:00.000+08:00

Atok, I miss you. I miss your smile. I miss your laughter. I miss YOU. Things won't be the same without you here. Ya Allah, kau peliharalah roh Atok, tempatkanlah dia dikalangan orang-orang yang beriman. He's the best grand-dad ever. His smile enlightens the whole house. Atok, I know you're still with us now. I just want you to know that I miss you terribly. As much as I try to stay strong in front of everyone, I can't. It feels like I've been punched in the heart. It hurts a lot. But I have to accept all this. Allah lebih sayangkan atok.

Atok, you always told me to study hard and become a doctor one day. I promise you, I will study hard as you wish. I'll always remember you, your voice, your face and everything about you. I'm sorry for my wrong-beings. I rarely see you before as we live far apart. And it's unbearable to think that every time I come to visit nenek, I won't see your face anymore. I want to cry so hard right now. You loved me just like you loved your other granddaughters/sons who sees you everyday.

Atok. I love you. I miss you. Semoga roh atok dicucuri rahmat. Al-fatihah.

I'm not okay. I might smile outside, but inside, I AM NOT OKAY AT ALL.
I'm cracked. I've lost all my power. I might took sometime to recover. Argh. :'(((((((((((((((((((((((((

110311

2011-03-11T15:51:00.003+08:00

harini last day of school, for this week. oh and minggu depan cuti. honestly, aku benci cuti sekolah ni. jangan tanye kenapa, for some specific reasons, I hate school holiday. I used to love it, but now, not anymore. pathetic, I know.

Rabu, sports day. Actually mmg takde mood nak cerita pasal ni sebab er, rumah sukan aku kalah. EPIC LOSE. Last place gile. empat tahun aku dekat SAB, tak pernah t.kudu dapat last place. alahai takpe la, aku tetap sayang tun kudu jugak LOL haha. I captured 300 pictures on that day tapi aku upload 180+ je kat Facebook. So, do check it out hehe. Oh and I'll upload a few here.

I'm the only Kudu.

It's me at the back, with the mask :D

That's my Chemistry teacher. Err, so you heard LOL

aww I love this one :3

Tadi Sambutan Maulidur Rasul dekat sekolah. Well, macam biasa lah berarak dr sekolah pegi dewan asrama and then ceramah. Lepas ceramah 2 jam yang mcm .____. then it's my fav part. MAKAN. Speaking of which, aku lapar gila sekarang. Tapi headache yang macam siot ni tak bagi aku bangun and jalan pegi dapur. I shall rot in bed this whole day. Hmm sounds like a good plan to me. zzzzz

p.s. saya suka lawan burung batu air dengan awak haha sebab td saya menang :p muahahaha ILYM :D

I think that's all, kbye.

crash & burn

2011-03-03T16:34:00.000+08:00

Maybe it's time for me to wake up from this sweet dream. You're not in lower-form anymore Hazira. Lets face it, no matter how often you try to deny that you're getting older, you're still gonna grow up anyway. Stop playing in class, stop acting like a pre-school kids. Matured la sikit heh.

Pretty much, I deserve this. And honestly, I've been expecting this too.
HAIH. takpe, first test wajiblah fail kan? hahahaha :p

p.s iloveyouafiqkacakbaikhandsome hahahaha
xx tc.

brainstorming

2011-02-28T16:49:00.005+08:00

otak blank. idea kering.

argh, who knows that creating a name for the F1 team is this hard. semua nama mcm pelik je. I need a name, that describes speed, rapidity, swiftness, hustle. But at the same time, elegant.
High expectations = nothing hahaha

oh esok exam. dan aku masih di sini. muahaha :B

study date

2011-02-26T10:52:00.008+08:00

I'm not at home right now, and maybe I'm staying at my auntie's house until tomorrow. Oh and, I got a study date. Since I'm going to face my very first test of 2011 next week, I have to study no matter what. You must be wondering, who's gonna be my date? haha. My sweetheart, the one I love always, NAQIAH HAYANI <3 she's gonna teach me Chemistry, which I suck big timeeee at.

Y'know, chinese girls in my class are like reference books, only better. Because they're just like reference books that can do any-normal-human-deeds. Eventually, they know everything. Ask them any question, they'll answer it as easy as abc and at the same time make us look stupid because we can't figure that easy-peasy thing out.

So, in order to be on top, I gotta study hell hard. Beating those girls in my class ain't easy, especially for a lazy person like me. Honestly, being in 4SC1 is freakin' challenging. It makes me wanna go back to primary one again, where maths is about counting apples and oranges. And science is only about animals and plants. Oh, everything would be much easier.

Naqie,
See you darling xx

250211 - stronger

2011-02-25T15:57:00.005+08:00

These few days have been, er, tough. I'm not sure what the problem is but, I am, undeniably hurt. It gets worse when my head and my heart are not in sync. My head told me to do some-specific-thing but my heart totally disagree.
Ironic, isn't it?

My heart told me to have faith and start believing again. Y'know what my head said? "Follow your heart, you'll be hurt. Follow me, you'll be fine."

Normal people will just follow their heads.
I think for now, I'm gonna follow my heart. I'm gonna take the risks.

You're probably wondering what the hell am I talking about because technically, I haven't tell you anything at all. hahahahaha. Metaphor rules.
take care loves xx

p.s As hard as I try to forget everything, I can't. The details are stuck in my head. dammit.

220211 - zombified

2011-02-22T16:22:00.015+08:00

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai haha

Zombie Love Song. Song of the month. Y'know I'm a hugeeee fan of zombies and this song is just freakin' awesome. Warning, this crap is highly addictive. hahaha.

I knew you'd be surprised. You can bet that I

May not be alive, but I sure as hell ain't dead inside.

What's with the shotty? I ain't wishing you harm.

You see, I'd try to hold your hand but I'm missing an arm.

Brains are all I've eaten all week it's true,

But if my heart were still beating, it would beat for you.

So let me take you to Wendy's. You deserve it.

Yeah, I'm a zombie, baby. Ain't nobody perfect.

Brains. Brains. Brains. Brains.

Brains. Brains.

I'll chase you through the yard and all through the house into the dark.

Oh I wanna steal your heart and eat your brains.

I've never been so true, but if my heart were still beating, it would beat for you.

Oh I wanna steal your heart and eat your brains.
click here for the complete lyrics

One question.
Otak manusia sedap gile ke? Rasa dia macam otak-otak eh? hahaha :B

take care loves xx
don't let zombies eat your brains ;)

210211 - connerie

2011-02-21T16:24:00.007+08:00

What a connerie Monday. Late to school, boring assembly, oh and most importantly, chemistry period -,- Lambat masuk lab 2 minit, aku, Aen & 3 other chinese girls kena denda. Lambat 2 minit je weh. I repeat, 2 m i n i t.

Thank you lah ye sebab buat kaki sy yang sakit ni, jadi makin sakit.

Confirm lah lepas ni sy masuk lab on time, takkan lambat 2 minit lagi.

Btw, mmg best gila la ketuk ketampi depan lab tadi. Cool gile seh!

p.s : please read this with the most sarcastic tone you can ever imagine.

xx Hazira

rants

2011-02-19T23:47:00.005+08:00

Second post for today. Obviously I'm bored. Aaa, Hani kau hilang pegi mana? Tadi ada and now you're gone. Benci seh. Kalau aku call tak pernah nak angkat. Phone tu campak sungai je la. Tak pun buat baling badak sebelah rumah aku. Ehe, emo.

Oh and, new gadget added. Sila lihat sidebar sebelah kiri. My Flickr. So yeah that's my flickr photostream, mini-sized photostream to be precise. Y'know I don't upload my work of art (booo) in Facebook, so I upload 'em somewhere they should be. So yeah, flickr it is. Do click it, thnks :)

Okay I'm hungry and sleepy at the same time. Off to sleep. Goodnight loves.
Iloveyouuuuuafiqgemok hahahahahahaha :B

190211 - conspiracy

2011-02-19T17:43:00.008+08:00

Other than feeling absolutely horrible and worried today, I'm perfectly fine. Get it? No? Okay, nvm. Harini macam pfffft gile haha. Bangun lambat, for sure lah sampai sekolah pun lambat. hehe, believe me, datang lambat best gila. Lagi-lagi bila kena jeling dengan pengawas yang 'berdedikasi' fuyooh the glares made my day. Sarcastic.

Today I don't feel alive at all. I feel like a zombie. Scratch that, I feel like an alien with no feelings at all. Well, actually I feel sad, mad, irritated worried and other-unnecessary-emotions. I feel like I'm out of this world. My friends told me that I was the root of the problem but, alaaah aku tak bersalaaah. Tapi bila fikir balik, maybe my friends were right kot. Ah biarlah, forget it.

okay so let's move on, shall we? :)

sekolah hari Sabtu memang macam asdgjhsabdh. Saya nak cuti dua hari laaaa. And now tinggal Ahad je -,- Last two periods tadi Addmaths. Addmaths > blank > bosan nak mampus = nothing. Well actually dekat sekolah faham, tapi bila sampai rumah and nak buat hw, semua hilang -,- and I ended up copying my friends hw muahahaha ;)

Aha tetibe rasa nak tengok cerita hantu haha
adios weirdos, haha.

130211 - 4SC1

2011-02-13T13:30:00.003+08:00

So this morning , I went to school. Yea, pegi sekolah hari Ahad. hebat tak? hebat tak? hahaha. Then, decorate kelas. Even tak ramai yg datang tp siap ard 12pm oh yeah. Serious 4SC1 comel gila, mcm kindergarten. muahahaha. Next week, 3K plaque is ours ;)

xx HAZIRA

080211

2011-02-08T15:56:00.003+08:00

The picture says it all. Today I don't feel awesome like I always did. I feel lost. I keep on asking myself, what am I doing with my life? Is it supposed to be this way or I was making the wrong decision? The worst part is, I don't have the answer to any of those disturbing questions. Should I forget all this, move on and start over or, maybe I should just move along? All of this questions lead me to a dead end.

Homework banyak gila fullstop

060211 - home

2011-02-06T23:16:00.002+08:00

I'm home now, after three days in Singapore. It's late now and I have to go to school tomorrow. Tell me, is it possible to sleep when you're feeling like shit? Lemme answer that with a big NO. ah dammit, homeworks tak siap. HAHAHA who the hell cares kan? Ahaa, teachers do. =,=

new phone, oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah :D

xx hazira

030211 - invaded

2011-02-03T21:41:00.003+08:00

Hello martians! Greetings from Jupiter :)

So today, I woke up ard 9, hehe awal lah tu HAHA. So I had my breakfast and then I fooled around dengan budak-budak gedik, Ismat & Iffat. Diaorang comel gila nak mampus, rasa nak sepak-sepak je HAHAHA

gambar captured petang tadi ehe.

righty - jari aku macam kasgduaygsdasd je.

lefty - ehe, sampaaaah doh muka candid konon HAHA

Bila aku moody,

2011-02-02T00:17:00.001+08:00

Hello awak, dia, kamu dan anda.

Ehem, hari ni macam ajshdiuashdasj, hahaha. Tadi aku hantuk kepala dekat dinding, amazing, tak rasa ape ape. Sebab hati aku sangat sakit, otak aku bergegar pun tak rasa ape. Hebat tak? Macam Mr. Fantastic siak aku, hahaha. Okay, tipuu je, mesti lah sakit. Bodoh sape suruh hentak kepala dekat dinding, kuat pulak tu. Nasib baik tak hilang ingatan haha. Okay, moving onnnn ----

Bila aku moody,
firstly aku akan golek golek golek atas katil sampai tulang belakang rasa nak terlipat dua. Oh and bilik mesti gelap gelita, baru cool. Oh and mesti pakai hoodie (it's what I'm wearing right this moment).

Bila aku moody,
aku play lagu yang sedih sedih, yang melody slow nak mampus. I know that it's only gonna make me feel much worse tapi, aku dengar jugak. Tapi kadang-kadang dengar lagu metal rock yang pecah gegendang telinga pun best jugak, tapi lepas tu mood jadi lagi teruk ah hahahaha. Y'know, music plays a very important role in my life. It gaves me strength, but sometimes it weakens me too. Depends.

Bila aku moody,
fo sho la aku makan. hahaha. actually kan, makan ni activity yang paling syok sekali. tak kira moody, happy, bengang, marah or any-other-emotions, makan adalah activity yang paling 'in'. Ehe, makan, it's my favourite thing to do, other than sleep of course. Oh gemuk laaaah akuu.

Bila aku moody,
uhm, aku tengok cerita yang lawak. Anything lah, example macam zombi kg pisang or man laksa. Serious tengok cite tu 10 juta ribu billion trilllion (hiperbola hehe) kali pun tetap ketawa lagi. Oh and, speaking of which, aku dah buat observation (haha), to be real honest here aku memang penakut. Kalau tengok cerita hantu, toyol belum keluar aku dah tutup mata. Pontianak belum mengilai aku dah menjerit, ehe. Tapi! Bila aku moody, kau campak la hantu ape pun depan mata, muka aku tetap macam ni -______- no kidding, this is based on true fact. So, kalau time aku moody, jangan bawak pegi tengok movie hantu dekat wayang, wasting gile. Sebab aku takkan feel ape ape punye hahaha.

Bila aku moody,
aku lari dari semua benda. Kawan, family. I prefer to sit alone in the dark and talk to myself. Memang macam orang gile la sebab cakap sorang-sorang haha tapi it works everytime. Macam motivate yourself. For a stubborn person like me, you will not listen to anybody else but yourself. Try bagi tazkirah dekat diri sendiri, it works for me :) Dulu, aku suka off phone satu hari, kadang-kadang sampai 2/3 hari. Tapi lepas ade orang marah aku sebab menghilang macam biskut, aku dah tak buat lagi hahaha.

Bila aku moody,
I'll take a long, long, long shower. Sebab? I'll cry in the shower. It's the only place where people will never spot the difference between water and tears. I'm not really a crier, but when something bad happens and I can't hold my tears any longer, I'll cry. Fragile lah konon, hahaha. Well, kalau nak lagi dramatic, nangis lah dalam hujan. Baru macam kuch kuch hotak hai. Kalau nak laaaagi extreme, nangislah dalam banjir, cooool. hahaha.

Bila aku moody,
muka aku jadi -______- dan :| sepanjang hari. Except kalau amik gambar, baru tukar jadi :) dan :D Biasalah, facial expressions memainkan peranan yang amat penting dalam hal ni. Tapi kadang-kadang, I'll fake a smile. Contohnya, luaran aku senyum tapi, dalaman mungkin muka aku macam hantu kak limah haha.

Bila aku moody,
aku akan call Hani. Lepas tu, aku dengan Hani akan start cakap benda yang sia-sia. Contohnya kutuk H*****, 'PS' dan yang lain lain. Lepas tu dari satu topic, tukar topic lain, sampai lah aku gelak macam orang takde akal. Well, it's good to have a friend like her. She's with me by my side through ups and downs. Dia kawan nangis dan dia juga kawan ketawa. She's the best. Hani, aku sayang kauuu.

Bila aku moody,
aku akan jadi begini. Aku jadi kosong. My soul's empty. Jiwa aku reformat. Otak aku masuk virus. Hati aku corrupt. I'll watch the TV the whole day but my mind is somewhere else. Macam hari ni, aku tak rasa ape-ape pon. Zero.

Bila aku moody,
aku akan sign in blogger account aku and start typing bullshits. Yeah, right now, at this moment, I'm doing it, literally. HAHAHA.

Okay, dah cukup panjang kot. Line internet sejak dua menjak ni macam asdkasdjahs siot. Rasa macam nak hempap-hempap router tu pakai bontot gajah. Ah, biarlah. Maybe I should stay away from the internet for a while. Facebook hurts, a lot. Y'know what, facebook sucks big timeee, tapi aku addicted. Ehe.

xxxxxxxxxxxx Hazira.

010211 - still breathing

2011-02-01T00:53:00.003+08:00

Hello loved ones.

It's been awhile since I last updated my blog. I don't know why, maybe because everything's the same everyday. The same routine day after day. I don't know, my life seems like it has lost it's spark. Holiday, thank God it's here because I really really desperately need a vacation, for some internal reasons you shouldn't care about. Y'know I've been dealing with some minor problems this few days but I managed to keep it to myself, it's easier that way. Orang cakap kalau simpan masalah sorang-sorang boleh gila. Ya, I know. Aku yang gila, bukan kau. Ehe.

So, It has been raining cats and dogs for a few days, NON STOP. I wear my hoodie 24/7 sia. Sejuk gilaaaaa. Even now, I'm shaking to death (okay, melodramatic je lebih hahaha) Sometimes, I fck rainy days. Bukan tak bersyukur tapiii, a few days back I plan nak lepak dengan cik Aien dekat Jonker tapi hujaaaan tak berhenti and plan cancelled. Takpe, everything happens for a reason.

So esok, I'm going to Naqie's house with a bunch of my friends for chemistry peka thingy. Okay I did the experiment that day and I can tell you that it's not easy. Setting the apparatus is one thing, removing the solid-form napthalene from the test tube is another. It's hell hard, especially when it freezes inside the test tube and at last, I gave up and I did 'something' to that test tube. Believe me, you don't want to know. Ehe. (I'm praying that my Chemistry teacher will never read this crap, EVER or else I'm deaaaad)

Well, after this one-week school holiday, I'll be staying in a new class, ehe. My new class is damn near to the open hall and the canteen. Cool, I know, hahaha. Oh and we'll be using new labs too. Ehe suke, sukeeeeee. I loved the new labs, not the subjects, aha. True dat.

Okay, personal life. These few weeks have been pretty, uhm, what's the word again? Weird. I gotta admit that it's pretty hard to adapt all this craps. You know, when you love someone, you want that person to be happy even when you have to hurt yourself. I've been doing this my whole life and yet what is it for me? You smile, I smile right? As long as you're smiling, and I'll probably smile too. Ah, who the hell are we kidding? It's all my fault that I actually keep everything inside and I let nobody in. I should've just tell them what I feel in the first place. I never tell what I feel just because I'm afraid that the people I cared the most will be hurt. Yea, that's why, most of the time, I keep it all to myself. I'm the real victim here. I honestly feel sorry for myself, in order to protect the ones I love, I let myself die, technically.

I honestly feel lost. Sometimes I wonder who am I? I'm no longer the selfish person I was. I was once someone full of life and all I ever think about was me. Me. It's all about me. Now, it's different. It's no longer about me. It's about you, him, her, she, them, they and everybody else. I can't remember the last time I asked myself, "am I happy?". So, AM I HAPPY? yes, I am happy, at least I think I am.

TRUTH HURTS, REALITY BITES. If you were somehow in my place, would you rather choose to tell the truth or face the reality? Well, eventually, truth and reality both are the same damn thing. Ah, IDGAF to the world anymore, it's late now and I'm talking shit. Aha. mental disorder hahaha.

Eh tibe tibe aku rasa nak nyanyi satu lagu indon, lagu lama actually. Ehem. Eh, takpayah la. cancel, cancel. HAHA.

xx anak Jamal

I wanna disappear. I wanna go somewhere else and start over.

Need.

2011-01-25T14:11:00.000+08:00

I need this hoodie. I've been hunting for it since last week. HAHAHA. I've been looking for it online but, yeah negative. If you have any idea where I might find this hoodie, do PM me :) I'm so into superheroes right now :B

Ehe, tibe tibe mood edit gambar datang membuak-buak. And I loveee taking pictures with Jeremy. Tapi kesian, for now Jeremy agak cacat sebab dia ade 5 strings je hehe. E string dia putus T___T Maybe next week I'll get it repaired.

Stayed home today. Alahai, bosan.
xx HJ

240111

2011-01-24T22:02:00.000+08:00

Hello.

Today wasn't such a good day for me. Not at all. I woke up this morning with a sore throat and yet I went to school. I can feel the heat in my body but I ignored it. And after watikah perlantikan, it gets worse. I have extremely painful headache. I slept throughout BM, thank God the teacher was out of the school. I went back home at 1.50 instead of at 5. I think if I'd stayed until 5, I'd be dead by now.

So, I'm ditching school tomorrow. Well, not really 'ditch'. I got MC. The doctor told me that my body temperature was really really really high. Well, that explains the tingling and scorching-hot thing I felt in my head. Oh and just when I was about to sleep, he called. Somehow, I feel better, internally. Hehe :D It's weird how a mortal human can become one of the most important thing in your life and they make a bigggg change in your life.

xx HJ

120111

2011-01-12T18:48:00.003+08:00

Get ready, to be criticized by people who don't even know you personally.

Get ready, to face the day when people are talking bad or nice things about you, mostly the bad ones.

Get ready, to hear tons of lies everyday.

Get ready, to be judged by those who thinks they know you well.

Get ready, to face hypocrisy and conspiracy against you.

Get ready, because there is a group of people who talks about your personal life to others, even when you don't know them at all.
Get ready, to meet those humans who's trying to push you down with words.
Get ready, to feel insecure.

Get ready, to discover that the person you trusted the most betrayed you.

Get ready, to face the reality that bites.

BE READY, to be hurt.

Because clearly, life ain't always a bed of roses, it's like... wipeout. There is always an obstacle after another, just before you reached the wipeout zone and win that $50,000. If you know what I mean, hahaha

090111

2011-01-09T19:02:00.002+08:00

Greetings loved ones :)

So, today's Sunday and tomorrow's a school day. And, esok ada practice for cross country. pergh malas gila seh nak stay back esok, sampai pukul limaaaa, wahseh, M A L A S. Oh and, esok first day belajar in class. Timetable? Sejarah one period, English one period, Chem two periods, BM two periods and Math one period. Oh and, the teacher who's going to teach me Chemisty is a killer teacher. *gulp.

I'm in charge on the duty timetable thingy and the progress is 0% hahaha. I don't have the mood to do it right now and thank god esok takde Bio, hahaha sebab my class teacher is teaching me Bio ngehehehe :D Actually it's not even my job, sepatutnya ketua kebersihan yang buat. Tak tau kenapa Daddy Bee suruh Jiya buat. Class monitor la katekan, hahahaha :p Ergh, something just flew through my head, poem. Damn, I have to study the first poem in the poems book. Ha, I'm gonna do it tonight, hell yeah hahaha :p

So, I'm looking forward to this Tuesday. Holiday baybehh :) hahaha

xx Hazira Jamal

p/s : Daddy Bee is my class teacher, chinese, male. Wani yang panggil Daddy Bee, macam cute je hahaha :p

060111

2011-01-06T21:51:00.001+08:00

Hello everyone :)

Tadi pagi, mesyuarat rumah sukan. I was acually voted to be vice-secretary until there's this two teachers who are actually arguing just because one of them wants me to be vice-secretary and the other one don't and yada yada yada I don't get the position but I got to be an AJK for a useless thing. Ha, real nice.

Well, tadi dekat sekolah ada program motivasi kebende tah. And yeah, the hall was packed like a sardine can, well what do you expect? Combined form 1, 2 and 4. And, the moment that I realized the group yang akan bagi motivasi tu actually wowcoaching, I can't stop laughing. Serious, continuously laughing. Sebab? Fareed pernah cerita dulu yang wowcoaching tu penipu and tak tepati janji and bla bla bla. The more I look at them, the funnier it gets. HAHAHAHA. But, to be real honest, the slot was pretty awesome. At least I have a reason to laugh and smile other than faking them all day long.

And, yesterday. Er, I'm not sure how exactly I felt after I received that message. I was pretty confused at first, and I ended up listening to hard core metal songs with max vol. I gotta feeling that sooner or later my eardrum gonna explode. But yeah, I try to see the bright side of everything, optimism. At least he's telling me the truth.

xx HJ

Lifted

2011-01-04T23:55:00.000+08:00

:) yeah, I'm smiling, literally. Thank god everything's back to normal :) Well, not everything. I'll work on the other stuff later. Right now, it's a positive progress. Well, if you haven't noticed that I'm currently struggling to get through this difficult time. The beginning of 2011 isn't that good for me. Not good at all. Well, I managed to get one thing settled.

Oh yeah, and this week is orientation week which means no studying, no homeworks and no books yet. Heaven jugak lah kan hehe even boringgggg gila duduk dalam dewan dengar taklimat yada yada yada i don't careee.

And, hari ni hari last Umi & Aten dekat SAB. They're moving to Teknik Melaka. Guys, I'm gonna miss you both so terribly. Do call me frequently, mesti rindu gila gila dekat korang :'( Remember me always :* I LOVE YOU.

xx HJ

Hero to zero

2011-01-03T22:03:00.003+08:00

How stupid do you think I am? Do I looked that dumb to you? How useless am I in your eyes? Yeah, let's just pretend that I do not exist. Yes, that would be much more easier. Kau ingat aku ni ape? Tunggul ke batu? Because at this point you're not treating me like a person, more like a useless creature who doesn't have a heart, eyes, ears and other vital organs. You know what? I don't give a damn about any of your bullshits anymore. I'm tired. I'm tired of faking a smile everyday.

Today is, so far, the worst day of 2011. Ek eleh, 2011 baru 3 hari dah ade worst day dah. Sheesh. Serious aku nak ponteng esok, tapi nasib baik esok last day Umi dekat SAB, kalau tak confirm aku ditch school. BAD MOOD GILA SIAK AKU HARINI.

oh and errr, if you think you're my friend, tell me the truth. The truth about everything. I'm sick of all these little lies. It kills.

xx HJ

Goobye and HELLO.

2010-12-31T21:29:00.002+08:00

Goodbye 3RK1, I'm moving to 4SC1 next year. InsyaAllah.
Goodbye 3RK1 classmates, we might not be classmates again next year.
Goodbye Block A, eventually I'll be staying in a new block.
Goodbye lightgreen coloured nametag, I'll be wearing a darkgreen one.
Goodbye Geography, I'm not learning you anymore.
Goodbye the age 15, I'll be 16 in a few hours.
Goodbye lower form, I'll be in upper form next year.
Goodbye recess on 10.10am, I have to go recess a little late next year :(
and most importantly, goodbye 2010 and thank you for everything :')

HELLO 2011 :)

may everything turns out perfectly this year and,

may 2011 become a spectacular year for everybody. InsyaAllah.

Happy New Year dear earthlings.

Let's welcome 2011 with love, happiness, and cheers.

xx HJ

p/s : new year resolution? I wanna be better in everything. Yes, everything. oh and, grow! HAHA

MD

2010-12-31T19:16:00.001+08:00

Hey hey hey.

Guys, I have a very strong feeling that this drink is highly addictive.

I can't stop drinking it, no matter how hard I've tried. Addicted =.=

xx HJ

2010

2010-12-30T23:34:00.001+08:00

Assalamualaikum and HELLO loves :)

Okay, in about 27 hours, we'll be in 2011. Whoa, time flies so fast right? Nobody can deny that. Sheesh. And eventually, I'll miss 2010 like hell much. 2010 had been an extraordinary year for me in various ways. I just can't believe that 2010 gonna end soon. So, here, I'm gonna list out a bunch of beautiful things that happened to me through out 2010.

1. Friends. Okay, in 2010 I've made a lot of friends. I mean it, A LOT. Not just in my school, but other schools too. HAHA. Tak tau kenapa aku jadi super peramah in 2010. HAHA. And, I think I no longer have any enemy, frienemies tak tau lah kan, HAHAHA. And I've became super close with my batchmates from other classes which is pretty cool. hehe.

2. Bolder. Yeah, rehat sangat awal haha. Buli juniors (only a few juniors okay, tak ramai pun). Tak siap kerja sekolah. Ponteng tuition. Seriously dalam 2010 ni memang banyak lah buat jahat kan. Tak tau lah kenapa banyak neuron neuron negatif dalam DNA ni, HAHA. Tapi bila dah nak dekat exam, semua dah jadi baik gila. Cakap pon dah sopan, aktiviti membuli dah berkurangan. Can you see how exam can change you easily? Semua sebab takut exam tak berkat HAHA.

3. Myself. Yeah, I can say that my self is a good progress that happened this year. I've became more mature, I can solve my own problems and I can handle things quite perfectly, haha. And, I also realized that I've turned girlier this year. I wore pink often, I kinda like dresses now (haha) and I've made a hugeeee makeover for my hair HAHA. Yeah, I can see that I've changed a lot.

4. Cravings. Oh this is my favourite part haha. 2010 is the year when I striked out most of my cravings. And the sweetest craving is my straight As achievement. It's like a dream come true for me. It's one of the best thing that ever happened in my entire fifteen years of living :') It only happens a few times in your life, the moment when you're so happy that you don't even care about anything else other than the sparks of happiness in your parents eyes as you get amazing result for your exam. And I'm looking forward to that feeling again for SPM, InsyaAllah.

5. Life. This is a definite yes! My life had became better this year. I learned a lot about friendship, fate, hope and TRUST. Yeah, I have trouble trusting people. I never believe, I only doubt. And my friends have opened my eyes about this things. I can trust them in everything. Bottom line, I learned a lottttt about life in 2010. Probably because I'm getting more mature that I actually pay much attention to my life. HAHA.

6. Cooking Class. And this class is one of the best classes I've ever joined. I had fun everydayyyy. Seperti yang anda tahu saya sangat teruk dalam memasak, HAHAHA. So bila join kelas masak ade lah skill sikit kan. Takde lah suami mati kebulur nanti. Okay, dah merepek. HAHA.

7. Him. 2010 is the year when I met him. HAHAHA :)

So the conclusion is, I loveeeeeeeeee 2010. Actually banyak lagi nak list tapi malas nak type and it's getting late so tulis yang penting je lah kan haha. And it seems like I just can't let 2010 go. There's so many wonderful memories in it. It's hard to let go. But I'm hoping that 2011 gonna be as awesome, as amazing, as havoc, as blissful as 2010. And maybe BETTER. InsyaAllah.

xx HJ

Sweet victory

2010-12-30T00:11:00.000+08:00

Hello Malaysians, wahaha.

So congratulations to Malaysia National Football Team (Harimau Malaya) for winning the AFF cup, clearly I am so proud of every single player on the team especially, of course, the most AWESOME goalkeeper at the moment, Khairul Fahmi and I know that there's a lot of girls go crazy over him right now. I mean, who doesn't right? HAHAHA * he reminds me of Iker Casillas, my favourite keeper of all time. Tapi maybe Fahmi tak sehebat dia lg kot. HAHA

so yeah, PM dah tweet that Jumaat public holiday. WHOA. That's beyond awesome.

xx HJ

Essere felice

2010-12-29T19:03:00.001+08:00

Hello aliens.

Today, I wonder why I let little, insignificant things ruin my day? I should be happy with what I got, and I am happy about it. Family. Friends. Him. They're all wonderful things in my life, they made me smile each day. And I can't even imagine my life without them :') They made me feel lucky and special (when in reality I am not). I LOVE YOU GUYS TO BITS. FOREVER. ♥

Oh-kay, so malam ni game Malaysia vs Indonesia and I can see that everybody is excited about it, so do I. HAHA. Anddd, everyone is paying much attention to the laser issue. And Indonesians are making a big fuss about that laser thing. HAHA. Whatevs lah kan =.= I don't really give a damn about it. I mean, seriously, this is a football game, not star wars. Pfffffttt. HAHA.

Oh yeah, my sist dah dapat kereta dia. MUAHAHAHA.

xx HJ

Tag tag tag

2010-12-28T11:51:00.002+08:00

Hello.

So I was tagged by two of my friends, Nab & Ziqah. They both tagged me the same thing. HEHE. SO here it goes.

1. Adakah anda rasa anda HOT?
I'm cool, HAHA

2. Upload wallpaper yang anda guna sekarang?

3. Cerita pasal gambar ni
Wallpaper ni Cik Aien Jamal yang set as wallpaper, haha.

4. Kali terakhir makan pizza
4 December 2010, birthday Piqa :D

5. Lagu terakhir yang anda dengar
Sick of you - Selena Gomez.

6. Apa yang anda buat selain selesaikan tag ni?
Talk, breathe and bla3. HAHA

7. Selain nama sendiri anda dipanggil dengan nama apa?
Jiya, Hazira, Jee, Joyy, Joya, John, Yah & Ninja

8. Tag lagi 5 orang
Hani
Kak Sab
Eqa Zaidan
Wani
Munyra

9. Siapa orang no 1 dengan anda?
Best friend :D

10. Katakan sesuatu kepada no 5
I MISS YOU :)

11. No 3 ada hubungan dengan siapa?
Entah, aaaa *check facebook dia* Kecik Nua hahaha

12. Bagaimana pula dengan no 2?
Dengan org Paris :p

13. Kata kata cinta kepada orang no 4
I LOVE YOUUU :p

14. Berikan 4 fakta tentang orang yang kamu tag
Hani - POYO, suka KERTAS(haha), funny, bijak.
Kak Sab - Senior, adik dia my bestfriend, baik, pemurah, HAHA
Eqa - Junior, comel, baik hati hahaha, sweet :)
Wani - pandai, sengal, pelajar harapan sekolah, gila kuasa, HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Munyra - Junior, tingiiiiii, suka Apple, baik :)

xx HJ :)

Yesterday once more :)

2010-12-26T12:57:00.001+08:00

Hello Mello.

So yeah semalam hangout dengan Hani, Naqie, Wani, Umi & Piqa. From 11 to 4. Gila ah. Serious around 3 dah rasa bosan gila nak mati. HAHA. Dr 3rd floor turun 2nd floor, turun lagi 1st floor and ground floor sampai dah takde floor nak turun hahaha. And hell yeah I had fun. We went karaoke. Yesterday was beyond awesomeee. hahaha, oh and thanks to my new boyfriend, I've captured those beautiful moments with my friends :')

Seriously I'm too lazy to upload all those pictures here so I'll upload only a few of them and if you want to check out the rest of it, do stalk my facebook hehe.

and a few pictures below were captured using Umi's Canon, so credits to Umi :

xx HJ

Result HAHA

2010-12-23T14:01:00.001+08:00

Hello world! *eceh

So, congrats to my batchmates yang dapat straight As. My schoolmates ada 59 yang dapat straight As, alhamdulillah. My class pulak 22 :D Today is the happiest day of my life, my bestfriends semua dapat straight As. Comel gilaaa :') Oh and, that includes me. Alhamdulillah, dapat 8 :) so, D3100, here I comeeeee :p

p/s : weh, korang, next year kita 4SC1 lahhh :D

xx HJ

Irreplaceable legend

2010-12-22T17:14:00.002+08:00

Hello. again. haha (3rd post for today haha)

So, I just watched a documentary about P. Ramlee a few minutes ago. And, it brought me to tears. Sangat sedih okay. Actually, it was premiered on History ( Ch 555 ) tapi banyak kali missed. So, I downloaded it. It took forever to finish downloading it. After about 3 hours waiting patiently, haha, dapat jugak tengok. Awh, sangat sedih seriously. Emo gila tengok tau tau hahaha serious aku poyo.

He's a legend, but people ignored and rejected him back then. They treated him like he's a piece of junk. He's a good man with a good heart, yet people were blinded by money and jealousy. I can tell that most people were jealous of his success. Papers and journalists boycotted him, yet he kept on struggling for his life, tried to make a useless attempt to make a comeback when the whole world started to forget him. Even his good friends turned their backs on him. And, bila dia dah meninggal, baru semua nak appreciate dia, they felt guilty for treating him badly in his time of need but yeah it's all too late. May his soul rest in peace, Al-Fatihah.

Serious sangat sedih okay documentary ni. It's totally worth waiting for 3 hours semata-mata nak tengok documentary ni. So, kalau rasa nak tengok and you've missed it on History, click this link : CLICK HERE

p/s : background music baru, Dimana Kan Ku Cari Ganti instrumental version, ha, nangislah korang dengar lagu tu hahahaa :p

xx HJ

I'm a VIRGO

2010-12-22T13:03:00.002+08:00

So, I got this from tumblr. Nab's tumblr to be specific. Thanks madu, haha. This thing is accurately true that it creeps me out a little. HAHA.

VIRGO - The One that Waits

Dominant in relationships. Amazing kissers. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word.. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. A pushover. Loves to gamble and take chances. Needs to have the last say in everything.. They think they know everything and usually do. Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect. They do not forgive and never forget. The one and only. 7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

p/s : someone loves me right now, HAHAHAHAHAHHAA. geli siak. oh and, I'm everything you ever wanted, HAHAHAHA.

xx HJ

Esok.

2010-12-22T11:42:00.001+08:00

HELLO! HELLO!

Ya Allah, esok. Esok, esok, esok. ESOK! Tomorrow's result day. Which means I am, with no doubt, very very nervous right now. Geez, I can't even think straight right now. Lost my appetite today, this is very rare okay since I've never in my entire life, lost my appetite. This indicates that, I am beyond nervous. Melodrama seh aku =.= hahaha

Okay, so, tomorrow's plan. Pergi sekolah around 9.30am. Sampai gate depan around 9.45am. Then, probably I'll go nuts when I see my friends, hahaha. And then back to nervous mode. Cikgu announce result paling cepat 10am paling lambat 11am. Tengok tengok, cakap pasal result je, I've got goosebumps. Haish. Macam mane lah reaction esok, muka semua org confirm pucat lesi HAHAHA well that includes me lah kan =.=

Macam manaaaaaa niiiii :O This topic totally scared the hell out of me seh. And I believe, my friends felt the same way too. Huargh, malam ni sure tak boleh tidur, gaaaaaaah :S

Ya Allah, please give me strength to face tomorrow. No blacking out, no vomiting and no disappointment, PLEASE. And, please grant me and my friends' wish, which is clearly to get straight As, because it's all that we've ever craved for. AMIN :)

xx HJ

p/s : oh and, Happy Birthday to my bestfriend, Nur Ain Asyiqin Anas. I love you to bits lah, everywhere kite same same. Kelas KH, rumah sukan, kelas tambahan. ILY ILY! :D Actually dah call dia that day tapi nak wish lagi dekat sini. And, I'm the first person to wish her happy birthday. MUAHAHAHA :D

Tonight

2010-12-18T23:58:00.001+08:00

Hello marshmallows.

Ya Allah.
serious aku confused gila sekarang. Hati berkecamuk. Mood swing. Argh. Stress gila gila. Malas nak layan semua orang kecuali cik siti hani fareza yang hot, comel, vogue and etc. HAHAHA. Kau je weh yang boleh buat aku happy time cuti ni. Wall to wall, talked on the phone and right now, webcam. I LOVE YOU TO BITS lah minah. Forever :')

Dan kau, kau pelik gila weh. Dari dulu sampai sekarang, pelik kau tak pernah berubah. Kau satu-satunya manusia yang aku susah nak faham. Ergh. Maybe aku patut risau, but I keep on questioning myself, are you worth it? And tonight, I don't think so la. Aku malas nak layan kau, takde mood langsung. You irritate and disgust me siak. ERGH. marah marah marah ==' bukan selalu aku marah org nii

p/s : Hani cakap muka aku macam manusia ade 1++++ masalah, lagi menyeramkan dari cite kum kum. Aku rasa mcm tu jugak kot, kalau tengok cermin, sure aku pengsan tengok muka sendiri. Conclusion? I NEED A VACATION.

xx HJ